


Pretty Pretty

by roseycheol



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Childhood Friends, Friends to Lovers, Growing Up, I'll try my best, M/M, Mutual Pining, Oops, Underage Drinking, but not a lot, he also uses the word "pretty' to describe taeyong like 1765345 times, i try to get most of the other members in but no promises, jaehyun doesn't know how to take a hint, there's side tenny kind of, um i'll add more tags as i go along, warning: knowing me it'll probably get angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-26
Updated: 2018-07-23
Packaged: 2019-04-07 05:18:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 34,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14073714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roseycheol/pseuds/roseycheol
Summary: That’s how it works, as far as they drift apart they always come back to each other. There’s too much between them for anything to truly pull them apart.~~(in which childhood best friends try to redefine love and make stupid decisions along the way)





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! i'm officially back with another self-indulgent angsty fic y'all! (yes i know it's been forever, school is rough) i hope you enjoy, i have a plan for where this is going so buckle up - it's going to be a wild ride!
> 
> (this hasn't been beta-ed so apologies in advance if i've missed any errors!)

“Can I ask you a question?”

 They’re lying on Jaehyun’s bed when Taeyong speaks, breaking the silence. Jaehyun looks up from his homework to find Taeyong already staring at him, eyes unusually intense.

 “Sure. What’s up?”

 “Have you ever been in love?” Taeyong sounds extremely serious and Jaehyun is a little taken aback by the deep conversation that has sprung out of seemingly nowhere.

 “Um, I don’t know. What counts as love?” Jaehyun’s love life has pretty much consisted of one girlfriend in seventh grade and she was the one who made him realize that he was very much not straight so he’s not really sure if he’s the best person to ask about love.            

“Do I seem like a love expert? I don’t know, have you ever liked someone, but so much it hurt? So much you can’t bear the thought of not spending forever with them?” Taeyong is still staring at him and Jaehyun feels a little nervous for some reason. There’s a strange tension in the air and Jaehyun doesn’t know what to think about it.

 “I mean...the only person I don’t think I could live without is you, and you’re just my best friend.” Jaehyun answers. It’s true. He wouldn’t usually admit it but besides his family, Taeyong is the person he depends on the most. However, his answer seems not to have satisfied because Taeyong is turning away again, once more looking up at the ceiling.

 “Oh. Thanks.” And with that, the conversation is over.

 ~~

Taeyong and Jaehyun have been best friends since Jaehyun was two. Back when they were kids, Jaehyun can’t think of a time where he didn’t know everything about Taeyong and vise versa. They trusted each other with everything and anything.  

Of course, with time this grew harder. Their age gap had caused a slight disruption in their friendship, especially when it came time for the divide between middle and high school. Suddenly Taeyong had new, cooler, older friends and didn’t have time to hang out with an immature middle schooler anymore. And when it started feeling like the whole school was in love with Taeyong, Jaehyun found himself pushed farther and farther away. It hurt. 

When Jaehyun started his freshman year he had found himself at a new low, he was lonely, overworked, and terrified of disappointing everyone. But, when he almost reached his breaking point Taeyong suddenly reappeared. He pulled Jaehyun out of the hole he had gotten stuck in, made him get out of his own head and got him back on the right path. And just like that, they were back to normal, like nothing had ever happened. They never spoke about it again and Jaehyun was almost convinced as if he had imagined it.

Now, Jaehyun still truly considers Taeyong his other half, his partner in crime, the peanut butter to his jelly - whatever cheesy phrase you want to put on it. Their friendship has been through a lot but it’s always held out, they can always find a way for it to work. Even when school makes it so that they can’t see each other too often they always eventually fall back together. Their friendship is the one constant in Jaehyun’s life. It’s the one thing he doesn’t have to worry about and the one thing that comes the most naturally to him. No matter how much time they spend away from each other, nothing changes between them.

That’s how it works, as far as they drift apart they always come back to each other. There’s too much between them for anything to truly pull them apart.

~~

As school picks up Jaehyung finds himself spending less and less time with friends and more and more time in the library studying or at basketball practice. The pressure to exceed in both his academics and on the court is a little stressful but it’s nothing he hasn’t dealt with before. He’s used to it and so far he’s been able to keep up without slipping in either. In fact, he’s been improving rapidly in his basketball and his coach has been extremely happy with him recently. Enough that the late nights and lost sleep are worth it.

One of his friends from the team, Mark is the first to bring up the attention his improvements with the addition of his recent growth spurt have brought.

They’re sitting together eating lunch when Mark gestures with his chin at a group of girls behind them.

“They’ve been checking you out for the past five minutes, you should go talk to them.” Jaehyun glances over his shoulder and sure enough, the group of four girls instantly whip their heads around as if they hadn’t been staring at him.

“No thanks, I’m good.” Jaehyun says, going back to his lunch and trying to ignore the burst of giggles from behind him. He recognizes some of them, they often come to his games to watch and cheer him on. They all seem very nice but he’s most definitely not interested.

“You’re hot stuff now, you could probably get anyone you want.” Mark says, not letting it go. “Why are you single anyways?” The rest of the guys from the team sitting with them all turn to look at him, interested as well.

Jaehyung flushes, uncomfortable with the sudden attention on him and not sure how much he wants to share.

“I don’t know...no one really catches my eye.” he mumbles.

“I mean if I grew up spending every minute with Lee Taeyong I guess my standards would be pretty high as well.” Jeno, one of his teammates jokes, causing Jaehyun to blush even more.

“Oh for sure, how is it, spending that much time with someone who looks like that? I don’t know if I would survive.” Dongyoung, another boy from the team chimes in. “Taeyong’s unreal.”

“Guys come on, he’s my best friend.” Jaehyun whines, still blushing furiously. “Taeyong’s, you know... he’s just Taeyong.”

“What about me?” And of course, just at that moment said boy appears, settling into the chair next to Jaehyun and throwing an arm around his shoulders. Jaehyun looks around at his friends for help, unsure of how to explain the situation but they all just shrug and smile obnoxiously, signaling that he’s on his own.

“Um I was just talking about how you’re my best friend so I’m used to your...you know...how you are.” Jaehyun says cursing himself for his awkwardness.

“How I am?” Taeyong asks, raising an eyebrow. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Jaehyun looks once again at his friends who are basically dying from laughter and thankfully, Mark takes pity on him for once and answers.

“What he means is that he’s used to you being really fucking hot.” Jaehyun winces, wishing Mark hadn’t put it so plainly.

Taeyong turns back to him, smiling. “Oh, so am I, as Mark so eloquently put it ‘really fucking hot’ Jaehyun?”  

Jaehyun opens his mouth to answer but when he glances up at Taeyong he completely forgets the question. Taeyong’s eyes are staring straight into his own and their faces are so close Jaehyun can see tiny flecks of amber in the other’s eyes. Taeyong’s smile is causing his eyes to light up, and for some reason it makes Jaehyun have a weird tightening sensation in his chest.

He hasn’t ever looked at Taeyong’s eyes like this before. _They’re quite beautiful up close_ , Jaehyun notes before realizing that he’s been staring for an unnatural amount of time and feels his still-present blush get even redder.

He then panics realizing how weird he’s being and blurts out: “I have to go - sorry!”

Jaehyun knows it wasn’t exactly the smoothest way out of the situation but he doesn’t rest on it and instead bolts up and basically runs out of the cafeteria to escape. He’s not sure what happened but he knows he’s going to get shit for it from his friends.

As predicted, later at basketball practice Mark retells the entire story for the team’s amusement so Jaehyun “accidentally” spills his water on Mark in retaliation. What he doesn’t do is overthink how Mark’s description of him was “lovestruck” because that involves a little bit too much confrontation with dangerous ideas.

~~

“We should go to a party.” Johnny declares suddenly. The two are hanging out at Johnny’s house just lounging and eating crap food, taking advantage of a strange shared lack of homework for the weekend. The two had become close after working on a science project together their freshman year and now often spend lazy afternoons together when they can afford them.

“Do you know of a party happening?” Jaehyun asks, interested. Though he's not a frequent partier he's always up for some fun especially after a grueling stress filled week.

“Yeah, Ten’s having one at his place. Wanna go?”

Jaehyun nods excitedly. He had once spent a tipsy night with Ten where they had somehow ended up on a roof singing loudly and just talking shit. After that, they’ve become pretty good friends, helped by the fact that Ten is good friends with Taeyong as well. Jaehyun enjoys the other’s company a lot and he’s heard his parties are always a good time so he’s happy to go.

“Give me half an hour to shower and get slightly hotter and we can leave.” Jaehyun says, pushing up off the couch with a groan, muscles still sore from practice.

“You’re already hot enough,” Johnny teases, wiggling his eyebrows. “but I guess if you’re standing next to me you might want to shape up a little.”

Jaehyun doesn’t respond, or at least not verbally, he lets his hand gesture do the talking instead and leaves to shower.

An hour later they arrive at Ten’s house, the music audible even from the street outside. When they walk in it’s even more of an explosion, people dancing, music pounding and everywhere Jaehyun looks something exciting is happening. As usual, Johnny disappears instantly, probably off to find a certain attractive host to flirt with. Now on his own Jaehyun heads towards the kitchen, in search of a drink. He’s tired, stressed, and in need of something to let loose.

Five minutes later he’s poured himself something that smells terrible and tastes even worse but he doesn’t care because as soon as he takes one sip he can feel some of the built-up tension melting away. He decides then and there that it’s going to a good night.

Sometime after that, he’s dancing with Yuta, a boy he knows vaguely through Taeyong. They’re being outrageously dirty, and it’s all good fun. Jaehyun knows he’s a little drunk - scratch that he’s 100% drunk but he really can’t bring himself to care. They’re laughing, and so is everyone around them, everything seems great. Suddenly, someone pulls him off Yuta and onto themselves. He’s unfazed and just starts dancing with them instead, flinging his arms around their neck and throwing his head back. He’s happy, deliriously so and if he has a new dance partner that’s amazing. Looking down he realizes said person is Taeyong, in his drunken state he finds this quite pleasing, though he’s not sure why.

“Taeyong! You found me!” Jaehyun laughs, pulling the other boy a little closer.

“I always do.” Taeyong’s smile is warm. Jaehyun likes it.

“I like your smile.” Jaehyun says, his words slightly slurred. He’s not sure why he says it but it makes Taeyong smile bigger and he likes that even more. “You should smile more, ‘s pretty.” Jaehyun really doesn’t know where these words are coming from but he can’t really stop.

“You shouldn’t say things like that, you’re drunk.” Taeyong says but he’s still smiling so Jaehyun doesn’t feel like he’s done anything wrong.

“I’m too drunk and you’re too pretty.” For some reason now Taeyong stops smiling and Jaehyun doesn’t like that. He frowns, trying to figure out why Taeyong’s smile has disappeared.

“Jaehyun you’re really drunk. C’mon, maybe we should go home.” Taeyong says. Jaehyun doesn’t like that even more, he’s having fun and he doesn’t want to leave yet.

“Noooo, let’s stay and dance! Dance with me Yongie!” Jaehyun tries his best to pout and it must’ve been somewhat correct because Taeyong gives in with a sigh. And so, they dance.

A couple hours later everyone’s mostly cleared out but them and some of their friends. They’ve all settled on the patio and are attempting to play truth or dare which Jaehyun has figured out is an excuse for them to set people up, after the third time Ten is dared to kiss Johnny. Jaehyun himself has found himself curled up into Taeyong’s side. He’s drunk, tired and it’s cold out so he appreciates the warmth from the other boy and doesn’t think too much into it. He had given his jacket to Taeyong earlier in the evening and despite being cold he’d rather the older boy have it than him. He can’t help but put Taeyong’s comfort over his, it’s how he’s always been. Even when they were little kids Jaehyun would never hesitate to give up his favorite toys to Taeyong, though of course, Taeyong would always share.

“Jaehyun! Your turn” Johnny calls from across the patio, cheeks still a little red from his previous encounters.

Jaehyun thinks for a second and decides he’s too tired and too comfortable here to move so answers: “Truth”

“Ugh, you’re so boring.” Johnny whines. “Fine, um...okay, if you could make out with anyone here who would you choose?”

Jaehyun takes a moment to consider. He notices Ten winking obscenely at him and bursts out laughing. “Sorry Ten, you’ll have to go to Johnny for that one.” He says causing both mentioned boys to look around awkwardly, blushing.

“Come Jaehyun, answer the question.” Dongyoung slurs, splayed out over one of the deck chairs. Dongyoung is smirking at him but Jaehyun isn’t getting whatever message he’s trying to send. For some reason, he feels like he’s missing out on something.

Jaehyun once again looks around the room. Everyone’s face is a little blurry but they’re all attractive, he has great taste in friends he notes. It’s only when he glances up to see a particularly pretty pair of eyes looking down at him does he easily make his choice.

“My pretty, pretty Yongie of course, who wouldn’t?” Jaehyun likes that this makes Taeyong smile but he’s confused when he notices the smile looks a little sad. Does Taeyong not like what he said? He shakes the thought out of his head. That’s outrageous, why would he be?

“What about you Taeyong? Who would you pick?” Dongyoung asks, the same smirk still present. Jaehyun breaks out smiling, he knows something about this.

A few weeks ago, he had overheard Taeyong talking on the phone about liking someone. He doesn’t know who it is, but that’s nothing new for him. The one part of Taeyong that he’s always kept a secret from Jaehyun is his love life. Never once has Taeyong told Jaehyun about who he has a crush on.

“Yongie definitely has someone in mind, probably one of the hot seniors he’s friends with.” Jaehyun says loudly.

“Oh really? Which one?” Dongyoung asks raising an eyebrow.

Jaehyun can feel Taeyong tense up slightly and waits for his response just as curious as the others. However, the answer never comes because suddenly Yuta announces: “Guys, this is boring, let’s go get food I’m starving!” With a chorus of agreements, the question is once again forgotten.

~~

The next morning Jaehyun wakes up, full of regrets. Everything hurts and not to be overdramatic, but all he wants to do is roll over and die. Unfortunately, something is poking him repeatedly and as hard as he tries to ignore it, it’s frustratingly bothersome. Letting out a groan he flops a hand towards the thing’s relative direction trying to get it to stop.

“Come on Jaehyun, you gotta get up.” Ah, so apparently that thing is a person, specifically Taeyong. It’s not surprising considering the number of times he’s found himself at Taeyong’s house after he’s made bad decisions. Jaehyun lets out another groan, hopefully getting his point across that he really, really does not want to move.

“I’m sorry but you don’t have a choice, up up big guy.” Jaehyun lets himself be pulled into an upright position, wincing as his head throbs with the movement. “Here.” Taeyong hands him a glass of water and an Advil. “Take this, it’ll help.”

He grunts in thanks as he downs both quickly. Opening his eyes slightly he turns to find Taeyong crouching next to the bed he’s laying in. Glancing down and seeing unfamiliar blankets he realizes that he’s not in his own. He feels slightly bad, realizing that Taeyong must’ve given up his bed for him. But, he’s mostly happy he’s here because he knows that Taeyong must’ve kept him from doing anything too grandly stupid the night before.

Forty-five minutes later he’s showered, dressed in a hoodie and sweats provided by Taeyong and feeling slightly better as he settles down for breakfast. Taeyong’s already sitting down, scrolling lazily through his phone and looks up when he hears Jaehyun enter.

“Feeling better?”

“Yeah. How drunk was I last night?” Jaehyun asks, not sure if he wants to know the answer.

“You were pretty shit-faced.” Taeyong says vaguely as he scoops some eggs onto Jaehyun’s plate. “You should eat, I made them the way you like.”

Jaehyun takes a bite and hums in appreciation when he finds them perfectly cooked as promised. Everything feels quite nice, or at least as nice as it could be after a night of drinking. It’s been a while since he’s spent a lazy morning at Taeyong’s. Their sleepovers had become less and less common over the years and he’s missed them more than he thought. The two continue to eat in a comfortable silence for a while before Jaehyun speaks up.

“Did I do anything dumb? I barely remember anything.” He notices Taeyong freeze, most likely a bad sign and prepares himself for something embarrassing.

However, Taeyong just shakes his head and turns back to his eggs. There’s a strange tension left that makes Jaehyun doubt Taeyong’s answer but he lets it go, maybe it's for his best that he doesn’t pry. Instead, he focuses on eating.

“Do you have any plans for today?” Jaehyun through a mouthful of eggs after a minute of quiet.

Taeyong looks up and makes a face of disgust at him before answering. “First of all, ew, that’s disgusting. Secondly, no, you?”

“Nope, do you want to just chill? It’s been a while.” Jaehyun says. Taeyong smiles and nods in response. When Jaehyun tries to smile back he instead starts choking on his eggs, causing both of them to break out in laughter.

The two spend the rest of the day mainly on Taeyong’s couch, watching the movies they used to love as kids and eating all the food in Taeyong’s pantry. It’s nice, Jaehyun’s missed Taeyong and like always, they easily fall back into their old patterns. Teasing each other, making dumb jokes, complaining about their frustratingly unsympathetic teachers, it’s easy and everything just comes naturally.

Well, Jaehyun can’t help to notice that there’s a slightly different vibe in the air, he’s not exactly sure how to label it but it’s definitely there. It’s apparent when Taeyong trips over a charger cord and Jaehyun reflexively wraps his arm around Taeyong’s waist to catch him. For a second when he pulls the older boy into his side something sparks, there’s a moment where he feels a tug in his chest. But as soon as he lets him go and the two awkwardly step apart it’s gone, or at least he pushes it down and they move on as if nothing happened.  

It happens again while watching a movie. They both turn at the same time to look at the other and Jaehyun feels his breath catch at suddenly being so close to Taeyong. The feeling frightens him and so he instantly turns away, letting it go so he doesn’t have to analyze why.

Other than that it’s wonderful, he feels almost like he’s ten again, when they’d spend every minute together and plan their future. They had always wanted to travel the world together, to see all the countries on Earth, even if they couldn’t pronounce half of the names. Back then Jaehyun was unable to imagine a future without Taeyong and that still hasn’t changed. They just work. Yes, sometimes they fight but it always ends with hugs and apologies. Jaehyun doesn’t think it’s possible for him to stay mad at Taeyong, that’s maybe why they’ve stayed friends for so long.

When Jaehyun finally leaves he finds himself lingering on the walk home, partially because the weather is nice and partially because he doesn’t want the day to end. Going back home means homework, chores and having to face the fact that he isn’t ten years old anymore and actually has work to do. At least, Jaehyun rationalizes, if he’s working he won’t have to think about Taeyong and why he makes him feel the way does. With that thought in mind, Jaehyun picks up his pace, determined to leave his thoughts behind.

~~

Two weeks later he’s out with Johnny and Ten when Taeyong comes up again.

“Did you see Taeyong dyed his hair?” Jaehyun looks up when he hears Ten’s comment, interested.

“Really? What color?” Johnny asks.

“Silver, it’s totally hot.” Ten clicks on something on his phone before turning it around to show them a picture and oh - Jaehyun does a double take before choking in shock, breaking into coughs. Johnny and Ten are dying of laughter at his response but Jaehyun doesn’t notice, he’s still recovering from that picture.

“Bro I was starting to think you were truly immune to Taeyong’s looks but I guess we’re all human.” Johnny says through his laughter.

“Shut up, I think I just saw an angel.” Jaehyun whines, still coughing slightly. “How am I supposed to act normal around him now?” Taeyong has always been extremely attractive, anyone could see that. However now, with his new hair, Jaehyun feels like he’s been punched in the face.

“Awww Jaehyunie has a crush~” Ten teases, pinching his cheek. “Lucky for you, he’s going to meet up with us in about…five minutes!” Jaehyun whips his head up, mouth hanging open in shock.

“What do you mean?” Jaehyun half yells.

“I invited him, we can see how it looks in person.” Ten says with a smirk. Jaehyun’s mind is whirling, he can barely handle looking at a photo, what is he supposed to do when Taeyong is actually in front of him?

“Okay, maybe I’ll go home now.” Jaehyun tries standing up, however, Johnny pulls him back down not letting him leave.

“No you won’t, c’mon it’ll be fun!” Johnny says, smiling obnoxiously. “Or at least for us, it will.”

“Remind me to get new friends.” Jaehyun mutters, giving in and sinking into his chair.  _Okay, you can do this_ , he says to himself. _Just be cool_.

This plan goes flying out the window as soon as he sees Taeyong enter the restaurant. The golden sunlight streaming in from the windows highlights the silver strands and seems to surround him with a halo of light, his gorgeous features stand out even more now and the eyes that have been tormenting Jaehyun’s mind at night recently sparkle out from underneath the silver fringe. Jaehyun feels all the breath being pulled out of his chest and he knows he’s staring now but he can’t help it. Taeyong is mesmerizing.

“Hey guys!” Taeyong says as he reaches the table, apparently not noticing that Jaehyun is in the midst of having his seventh-grade gay freak-out all over again.

“Nice hair bro.” Johnny says, waving to Taeyong while elbowing Jaehyun at the same time.

“It’s really cool!” Ten adds as Taeyong settles in the seat across from Jaehyun.

Johnny elbows Jaehyun again, this time much harder and he realizes that he better say something before embarrassing himself even more.

“Ye-yeah, it looks good.” When he speaks Taeyong turns to look straight at him and Jaehyun almost cries. He is 100% sure he has never seen anyone more attractive than the boy sitting across from him. “I’ll have to go to the bathroom, be right back.” Jaehyun can hear Ten and Johnny cracking up as he leaves but he ignores them and hurriedly rushes to the restaurant's bathroom.

Once inside he pulls out his phone and calls Dongyoung in a panic. When Dongyoung picks up Jaehyun doesn’t let him speak and instead just starts gushing.

“Help me Taeyong dyed his hair and I think I’m in love with him?” There’s a second of silence before he hears Dongyoung start laughing on the other side.

“You didn’t already know that?”

“What do you mean? I mean he’s always been hot but he was just my best friend!”

“Jaehyun, I don’t know how to put this but...  you’ve been in love with Taeyong for like three years.” Jaehyun opens his mouth to protest but then stops because oh… he’s in love with Taeyong.

“Dongyoung thank you so much but I have to go now.” He instantly hangs up and moves to look at himself in the mirror, trying to process this huge revelation.

He’s in love with Taeyong. He’s in love with Lee Taeyong, his best friend, the boy he’s grown up with, the one person he trusts more than anyone else. Now looking back he realizes that it’s been there for a long time.

It now makes sense why he never seemed to be really interested in anyone, why he would always find himself thinking about Taeyong when asked about love, why he always put Taeyong first over everything, why he always wanted to be close to Taeyong when he was drunk, why the thought of anyone hurting Taeyong, _his_ Taeyong, teared him up so much. He feels like he's drowning. All those times where he felt something pulling him towards the older boy and he forced himself to push those dangerous feelings down, they’re rushing back, flooding his mind.

He’s in love with Taeyong but Taeyong likes someone else. That small fact comes back to him and he almost wishes he had never had this realization in the first place. Because how can he act like nothing’s changed when his world has been turned on its head? He’s just figured out that he’s in love with his best friend in, of all places, a dirty restaurant bathroom. Everything’s messy and tangled and now he has to go out and face said best friend.

He has to be cool about this, they’ve been friends for so long that he can’t let something like this get between them. Of course, it’s kind of a big deal but he’ll get over it, most of all he can’t make Taeyong feel bad for not liking him back. There are plenty of other people for him, people that are actually in his league. None of them compare to Taeyong in any way but, still, he has to move on. Taking a deep breath he squares his shoulders, and walks back out, determined to continue to be what he’s always been: Taeyong’s best friend.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay y'all i promised you guys another fic soon back when i first posted (it's not) fine and it's been...a long time (like a year rip) you can blame school and other projects getting in my way BUT here! i started something and i will!!! finish this!!! i promise there's nothing more frustrating than an unfinished fic to me so don't worry i won't give up on this, i have a good idea of where this is going and writing this hasn't been too hard so far (knock on wood) 
> 
> ANYWAYS, i hope you guys like the start of this, feel free to leave opinions/comments of where this should go and your thoughts!! (i thrive off of comments haha) 
> 
> love you all and thank you for taking the time to read this!!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaehyun makes dumb decisions.

Jaehyun is in big trouble.

After the bathroom incident (as he’s now labeled it) he had managed to get through the rest of the time with Taeyong by trying his hardest to avoid looking at him and faking sick to leave early. For the next week, Jaehyun spends most of his time in a Gay Panic™ trying to figure out how to deal with his sudden realization.

His original “pretend like you’re still just his best friend” plan is seeming less and less doable the more he considers it. Even just thinking about Taeyong gives him butterflies, imagining being around him and not being _with_ him is painful.

He’s always known Taeyong was attractive and that their personalities worked well together. Those were simple facts. But now, putting them together he has no idea how to deal with being in love with the older boy. Part of him wants to just tell Taeyong. Jaehyun’s never been very good at keeping things from him anyways. But, as soon as he thinks about what might happen, the thought terrifies him so much that he trashes it immediately.

He then considers ignoring Taeyong until the older graduates. Or maybe he could drop out of school and move out of the country. They all seem like better ideas than actually telling Taeyong how he feels.

It’s not that he’s afraid of being rejected, he’s more scared of what would come after if he was. Their friendship would be ruined, or at least incredibly awkward at the least, and Jaehyun would lose Taeyong completely. Jaehyun would rather stay in this uncomfortable in-between than cause Taeyong to hate him.

And so, he settles on avoiding Taeyong until he comes up with a permanent plan, hopefully, one that doesn’t involve fleeing the country.

Jaehyun tries to do so naturally. At school, he starts going to the library during his lunch period, the one time where he normally hangs out with Taeyong. No one thinks anything of it, classes are picking up with midterms coming closer and closer and everyone’s been working more lately.

Once, he catches a glimpse of Taeyong in the hallway. He hasn’t seen Taeyong since the restaurant and the sight of the older boy brings everything rushing back. Jaehyun feels like he’s being punched in the gut. He can’t look away until Taeyong looks up and catches his eye, smiling and waving at him. That prompts Jaehyun to whip around and race in the opposite direction. His is heart still racing when he gets to his class and he’s unable to focus for the rest of the day. After that, he starts to plan his routes between classes so that he can make sure not to run into Taeyong again.

Jaehyun also throws himself into basketball. He starts staying after practice, determined to keep his skills sharp and prove himself to the team. When everyone’s left Jaehyun stays for a couple more hours, practicing, running drills, pushing himself to his limit every single afternoon. It’s easy to slip into the routine of _work, work, work_ in order to keep his mind from wandering towards a certain silver-haired boy. When he gets home every night he’s physically exhausted and by the time he finishes his homework he’s too tired to think about anything but sleep.

In this way, Jaehyun manages to somewhat deal with his new crush.

~~

Despite his efforts, sometimes Jaehyun lets his mind wander. When he’s too tired to stop himself he lets himself imagine what it would be like. What it would be like to hold Taeyong’s hand, not in the way they used to as children when Taeyong would drag Jaehyun around the playground, but in the way he sees in dramas. With no purpose but to be connected to the other, they would walk together with their fingers intertwined, showing the world they belonged to each other.

He would be able to proudly wrap his arm around Taeyong’s waist in the halls, walk him to class, and carry his books. Half the school would hate him for being the lucky owner of Taeyong’s heart but he wouldn’t care. Because Taeyong had picked him over everyone else and that’s all that would matter. They could be as jealous as they liked but Jaehyun would still have Taeyong.

Jaehyun often imagines what it would be like to go on dates with Taeyong. Jaehyun could surprise Taeyong, pick him up and not tell him where they were going until they got there. He would show Taeyong all of his favorite places, the tiny bookstores and cafes that he’s stumbled upon that seem hidden away from the world. On their anniversaries they could go somewhere really fancy, treat themselves. Taeyong would scold Jaehyun for going so all out and spending so much money on him but Jaehyun wouldn’t mind. Taeyong deserves only the best.

And sometimes, when he really loses his self-control, he imagines what it would be like to kiss Taeyong. Jaehyun’s kissed a few people before, though mostly through spin the bottle. So, he wonders what it would be like to kiss someone he cared about. To hold Taeyong tight, run his hands through silver hair and kiss him sweet and slow until he forgets about everything else. To be able to express everything he can’t find words for in his touch, make sure Taeyong knows just how much he loves him. These are the dangerous thoughts that make Jaehyun push himself harder to avoid, these are the thoughts he can’t think. Because no matter how much he imagines, the dream always ends, the bubble is burst, and he’s torn back to the harsh, painful reality.

~~

Dongyoung finally confronts Jaehyun two weeks after the bathroom incident.

The rest of the team has left and like always, Jaehyun is still in the gym by himself. He’s sitting down, taking a water break when he hears the doors open. Looking up he sees Dongyoung slip in and head over. Jaehyun is instantly nervous, the last time they talked one-on-one was during the fateful phone call. He has a feeling that’s what Dongyoung is going to want to talk about as well.

“Hey!” Dongyoung says, smiling as he sits down next to Jaehyun. “I’m surprised you’re still here.” Jaehyun rolls his eyes at that. As if Dongyoung hasn’t planned this whole thing out.

“What do you want?” Jaehyun asks. “Or are you just here to annoy me.”

Dongyoung raises an eyebrow, smirking slightly. “Are you sure you don’t already know?”

Jaehyun plays dumb and tries to keep his face neutral. “Nope. That’s why I asked you.”

“C’mon we both know why I’m here. What’s going on between you and Taeyong?”

“Nothing.”

“Fine, what do you want to happen between you and Taeyong?” Dongyoung asks, still not letting it go.

"What do you mean?"

"Stop pretending to be an idiot. You're in love with Taeyong, what do you want to happen and what are you doing about it?" Dongyoung finally snaps.

Jaehyun sighs, knowing he can’t escape from this conversation. Trying to think of an answer, he runs a hand through his hair, instantly regretting it when he remembers how sweaty it is. Finally, he turns back to Dongyoung, deciding to be honest with the other.

“I don’t know. I mean, I do know what I want but it’s not realistic.” Jaehyun takes another deep breath before continuing. “It was so sudden. Like I was so blind to it and then in that one moment, everything just fell into place. I guess it was always there but I didn’t have a name for it, if that makes any sense. I always was in love with him but it felt so natural I didn’t even notice.” Jaehyun knows he’s rambling but now that he’s started talking he can’t stop. Dongyoung seems to understand this and stays silent, just listening.

“The worst part is I know he loves me too. It’s just not in the way I love him.” Jaehyun lets out a cold chuckle. “He’d probably feel terrible if he knew how much he’s hurting me. That’s the sad thing, he tries so hard not to hurt me but just by existing he’s torturing me. It’s kind of ironic.” Jaehyun doesn’t know whether he wants to laugh or cry more at his situation.

Dongyoung places a hand on Jaehyun's shoulder. "He...he really does care about you. Taeyong can be hard to read but I know he definitely feels something for you. I really think you should talk to him about it."

Jaehyun scoffs at the suggestion. "And risk our friendship? There's no point, he doesn't like me in the way I like him."

"How do you know?"

"I just do. Why would he? What's there about me for him to like? He's incredible, everyone loves him. I'm just...I'm just a mess." Jaehyun's voice cracks a little on his last word and he feels tears start burning at the back of his eyes. “God, I feel so pathetic.” Jaehyun groans, putting his head in his hands and squeezing his eyes shut. Jaehyun has been keeping all these thoughts crowded inside his head and now after letting them out he feels drained. Empty.

"Taeyong thinks you're the most amazing person in the world and I hope you know that."

"I know he'll eventually realize I'm far from it. And then, he'll hate me."

Dongyoung doesn't reply to that and the two sit in silence. Jaehyun’s mind is whirling, does Dongyoung really think he has a chance? Or is he just being nice? But why would he set Jaehyun up for failure?

Finally, Dongyoung speaks. “Let’s go, I’ll drive you home.” Jaehyun nods in agreement and they head out of the gym. They don’t talk in the car, but Jaehyun doesn’t mind, he appreciates the quiet. When they pull up outside Jaehyun’s house he hesitates before getting out.

“You won’t tell him any of this, right?”

Dongyoung smiles with a twinge of sadness.

“It’s not my secret to tell.”

Jaehyun gets a wave of thankfulness for his friend and pulls Dongyoung into a hug. It’s slightly awkward because of the car but he doesn’t mind, it’s still sweet.

“Thank you Dongyoung.”

“You’re welcome. Now get off of me you big sap, I can’t breathe.” Dongyoung’s words have no bite to them though as he pushes Jaehyun off. “Go get some sleep, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Bye Dongyoung.” Jaehyun smiles and gets out of the car before turning back one more time. “Promise you won’t tell?”

Dongyoung nods his head exasperatedly. “Yes, I promise.”

Jaehyun gives him one last thankful smile before heading inside at last.

That night Jaehyun finds himself unable to sleep. He lies in bed for hours, kept awake by his thoughts running between Taeyong and what Dongyoung had said.  He can’t help but hear the echo of Dongyoung’s words over and over,  _“Taeyong thinks you're the most amazing person in the world”_ Eventually, he gives up on sleep, pulls himself out of bed, and reviews his class notes from the day. This, he knows how to do. Finally, at 4 AM he falls asleep, still at his desk with his textbook as a pillow, too tired to dream.

~~

Jaehyun should have seen it coming. He should have realized that eventually, people would notice that he’s been running himself dry. The dark circles under his eyes have become more and more prominent and he’s sure he looks as exhausted as he feels. A few of his friends from the team have scolded him for wearing himself out, even one of his teachers kept him after class to ask how he was doing. But this, _this_ he was not ready for.

He’s laying on his bed reviewing flashcards when his phone starts buzzing. He picks up without checking the caller ID and realizes his mistake when he hears the familiar voice on the other end.

“Jaehyun! Hi!” Jaehyun freezes. _It’s Taeyong._

“H-hi.” He stumbles out, trying to act as if he’s not panicking inside.

“What’re you doing right now?” Taeyong’s voice is mischievous and Jaehyun knows something’s definitely up.

“Studying, why?”

“I may or may not be standing outside of your front door at this very moment.” Ah. So this is where he was going. This isn’t unusual for them, however, with Jaehyun’s current state, he wishes Taeyong had at least given him some sort of warning. He still hasn’t figured out how to act properly around Taeyong but it seems like he’s going to have to just wing it.

“Hello? Are you there?” Taeyong asks, reminding Jaehyun that he’s still on the phone.

“Yes, sorry - I’m coming down right now.” Jaehyun hangs up and takes a deep breath to calm down. _Collect yourself, it’s just Taeyong, your best friend_. He takes his time getting up and walking to the door, half filled with dread and half with excitement. Because as much as he’s afraid of messing something up, he’s desperately missed the older boy’s company.

When Jaehyun opens the door he’s greeted with a breathtaking sight. Taeyong is wearing skinny jeans, a leather jacket, and going even further, his silver hair is poking out from underneath a snapback. The look added with his already perfect features is too much for Jaehyun’s poor heart to handle. It should be illegal to look that good. When Taeyong looks up and smiles at Jaehyun, he immediately forgets how to function. After avoiding Taeyong for so long the sudden closeness is overwhelming.

Taeyong finally breaks the moment and asks: “Can I come in or are we just going to stand in the doorway?” Jaehyun flushes and nods, stepping to the side so Taeyong can enter before closing the door behind them. Taeyong knows his way around so after slipping off his shoes, he starts heading towards Jaehyun’s room. Jaehyun follows him, anxiously tugging at the cuffs of his sweater.

“Do you want something to drink?” Jaehyun asks as they pass the kitchen. He knows he’s being awkward but he hopes Taeyong won’t think too much of it.

“I’m good.” Taeyong says, turning to Jaehyun and adding: “I’m just here to talk to you.”

Jaehyun doesn’t know what to say to that so just nods and follows Taeyong up to his room. Once they get inside Taeyong settles on Jaehyun’s bed but unlike usual, Jaehyun doesn’t join him, instead choosing his desk chair. He’s not sure if he could handle sitting so close to Taeyong and if the other notices the change he doesn’t mention it.

Jaehyun lets Taeyong speak first, busying himself with pulling at the loose strings on his jeans. There’s a weird vibe in the air and Jaehyun doesn’t let his eyes leave the hole in his pants

“How are you? Be honest with me.” Jaehyun isn’t surprised, he should’ve known Taeyong was going to worry about him.

“I’m fine.”

“You look terrible - no offense, when was the last time you slept a proper amount?” Taeyong asks, not letting Jaehyun get away with his answer.

“Well gee, thanks.” Jaehyun mutters sarcastically. He keeps his head turned down, still picking at his jeans. He tightens his shoulders slightly, as if physically blocking Taeyong out.

“Come on Jaehyun, talk to me. Please.” Taeyong’s voice is slightly desperate now but Jaehyun doesn’t look up from his lap. He’s afraid if he does he’ll give in and tell Taeyong everything.

“I promise you I’m fine, I’m busy but I’m managing.”

“Are you happy?”

“I’m _fine_ .”

“I heard you’ve been staying late to practice every day and you’re always at the library for lunch now. Do you even have time to eat? Jaehyun I know you don’t want to let anyone down but you don’t need to do this to yourself. You’re incredible already and you’re going to fall apart if you push yourself like this.” Taeyong’s voice breaks a little and Jaehyun feels a twinge of guilt when he hears how he’s affected him. “Everyone’s so worried about you - I’m worried about you.”

Jaehyun looks up now and he finds Taeyong’s eyes staring back at him, big and pleading. He wishes he could apologize to Taeyong and tell him that he doesn’t mean to upset him but he can’t stop what he’s doing either. It’s the only way he won’t go crazy.

“I-” Jaehyun starts but he doesn’t know what to say. He’s been so stressed the past weeks. Every moment has been filled with either work or thinking about Taeyong - both equally exhausting. He feels right on the brink of collapse. Groaning, he closes his eyes and lets his head fall forward into his hands. “I just don’t know what to do with myself.”

He hears Taeyong get up from the bed and make his way over. He holds his breath until he feels Taeyong’s hand on his shoulder. Jaehyun almost melts into the touch and Taeyong pulls him up, enveloping him in a tight hug. Jaehyun finally lets himself give in and sinks into the older boy, relaxing properly for the first time in days. He lets all thoughts leave his mind and focuses only on how _right_ this feels. They’ve always fit together like puzzle pieces.

“You’re an idiot.” Taeyong mumbles, still not letting him go.

“I know.”

“Promise me you’ll take care of yourself?” Jaehyun’s heart flutters at the words. He can’t help it, Taeyong shouldn’t be allowed to say things like that.

“Why should I when I have you to do just that?”

Taeyong shakes his head, smiling in amusement. “What would you do without me?”

“Let’s never find out.” Jaehyun’s heart aches as he says it, if only Taeyong knew how much he means these words.

Taeyong doesn’t say anything in response but instead wraps Jaehyun even tighter in his arms. Jaehyun closes his eyes again and lets himself be held, ignoring the voice in his head screaming at him to not let himself get close. He feels himself falling, falling harder and farther. He’s terrified but here, in Taeyong’s arms, he can’t find it in himself to stop.

~~

After Taeyong leaves, Jaehyun tries to start studying again but his mind won’t let him focus. After their talk, they had just laid on his bed and listened to music together, but something felt like it had changed. Jaehyun tries to tell himself he was just imagining it but he swears Taeyong had looked at him after with a hint of something new. Something that reminded himself of how he looked at Taeyong.

He doesn’t want to delude himself but he can’t get the thought out of his head. There was a moment when they were laying next to each other when Jaehyun had glanced over to find Taeyong staring at him. Taeyong had just smiled when he saw Jaehyun looking back but after that, Jaehyun was conscious of the other boy staring at him almost constantly. Jaehyun tells himself that Taeyong likes someone else, that Taeyong is too good for him, nevertheless a tiny voice in his head whispers _what if_ …

Jaehyun decides to call Johnny because he’s going crazy alone in his room and needs someone to talk to before he rips his hair out.

Johnny picks up on the second ring, greeting Jaehyun enthusiastically. “Hey, what’s up?”

“Can you talk?” Jaehyun asks, nervously fidgeting with a pen on his desk.

“Depends what it’s about”

Jaehyun rolls his eyes at Johnny before answering. “Me. Well, I need advice.”

“Fine, go ahead.”

Jaehyun pauses for a second to gather his thoughts, there’s a lot he needs to explain.

“Okay, so let’s say that I liked someone, someone I was good friends with. But they didn’t know that I liked them of course. And we’ve always just been friends but then all of a sudden I notice them looking at me a lot and it kind of felt like they were interested in me. But I wasn’t sure whether I was just imagining it because I like them so much. What do you think?” It’s not a very good explanation but it gets his basic situation across.

“First of all, you can say this is about Taeyong.” Johnny says, chuckling. Jaehyun groans when he hears that, of course Johnny’s figured it out.

“How did you know?” Jaehyun whines. He’s slightly worried that both Dongyoung and Johnny have figured it out when he couldn’t even realize it on his own.

“You’re not exactly what I call subtle. Honestly, Taeyong must be the densest person in the world to not realize you’re in love with him.”

Jaehyun opens his mouth to protest but he realizes that he can’t actually deny that and pouts even though Johnny can’t actually see him.

“Well, then what should I do?”

“You didn’t let me finish, I was getting there.” Johnny says. “It doesn’t take an observant person to see that Taeyong loves you more than anything else on this earth. I sincerely think both of you are being idiots and just need to make out or something. And please do it soon, I can’t stand this constant pining.”

“But what if he just sees me as his best friend? I have no idea if he likes me in that way.” Jaehyun says, needing more reassurance before letting himself accept Johnny’s words.

“Look, all I can say is that he’s never looked at me, heck, he’s never looked at any of us the way he looks at you. I’m not promising anything but I can’t imagine that he doesn’t like you at least a little bit.”

“Okay, I’ll think about it. Thanks Johnny, for real. Thank you.” Jaehyun says, rubbing his temple, trying to process everything Johnny’s said.

“No problem. And… good luck.” Johnny hangs up leaving Jaehyun with a head full of thoughts and the tiniest pinch of hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> songs for this chapter: too good - troye sivan OR i wait - day6, for the end: lean on me - svt (i know v different vibes) 
> 
> they're back and being dumb once again smh. i tried to show a little bit more of jaehyun and taeyong's relationship here, you get to see a longer one-on-one interaction! full warning, this fic is going to have a lot more angst and dumb decisions in the future so be prepared rip rip. also, interesting fact - the title of this chapter's doc while i was working on it was "Gay Panic™" so that gives you an idea of what my vibe was while writing. 
> 
> finally, thank you to everyone who has left kudos/comments on the first chapter, they really motivated me to keep going and get this chapter done as soon as possible! expect chapter three soon - it's definitely going to be an exciting one so get ready 
> 
> love y'all!


	3. Chapter 3

Taeyong calls Jaehyun at 2 AM. As soon as Jaehyun picks up he can tell something is wrong and when Taeyong speaks he hears the telltale tone in Taeyong’s voice that lets him know he’s been crying. 

“Can I come over?” 

“Yes, of course. Do you need me to pick you up?” Jaehyun answers immediately, standing up. 

“No. I’ll be over in ten minutes.” 

Jaehyun had been almost asleep before Taeyong called but now he’s wide awake. He slips out of his room, trying to be as quiet as possible so to not wake anyone else up. When he gets downstairs he sits down by the front door, anxious for Taeyong’s arrival. 

Exactly eight minutes later there’s a faint knock and Jaehyun leaps to his feet. Quickly he unlocks the door and cracks it open. Taeyong is standing outside, curled in on himself and when he looks up his eyes are rimmed with red. Jaehyun pulls the door fully open and Taeyong hurriedly steps inside. 

“What happened?” Jaehyun asks worriedly, locking the door behind him. 

“I don’t want to talk about it right now.” Taeyong mumbles. “Can we go upstairs?” 

“Yes, of course.” Jaehyun wraps an arm around Taeyong’s shoulder and leads him upstairs to his room. They sit down on Jaehyun's bed and Jaehyun lets Taeyong curl into his side, not saying anything. 

“Did I wake you up?” Taeyong asks quietly. 

“No.” 

“You should be sleeping.” Jaehyun rolls his eyes, of course, Taeyong is worrying about him right now. 

“So should you.” 

“I’m older, I don’t need as much sleep. You’re still growing.” 

“It’s fine.” 

Taeyong sighs and rests his head on Jaehyun’s shoulder. “I hate growing up.” 

“You’re still young.” Jaehyun chuckles. “You’re not even an adult yet.”

“But I miss being kids. Don’t you? The ability to be carefree, the innocence?” Taeyong says wistfully. “I miss having my whole life in front of me and feeling like I could be anything I wanted.” 

“You still could. I mean, besides being a child star you could do anything.” 

“We both know that’s not true.” 

“Well then, what do you want to do with your life?” Jaehyun asks. Taeyong has shared many dreams over the years, however with time he had started being less ambitious and more practical with them. 

Taeyong lifts his head off Jaehyun’s shoulder to look him in the eye. “What do _you_ want to do with your life?” 

Jaehyun takes a moment to consider the question. He’s also gone through many different dreams, from being a firefighter when he was young, to being a singer when he was in middle school. Now, all he wants for the future is to pass his chemistry class. He tries to imagine himself in ten years. He’ll be out of university by then, maybe - hopefully have a job. Maybe he’ll even have a boyfriend. A serious one. _Maybe it’ll be Taeyong._

“I don’t know. Get married, have a family I guess,” Jaehyun answers vaguely. “As long as I’m still friends with you I don’t care,” he adds with a smile. Outwardly it’s a cheesy, joking line. Jaehyun hopes Taeyong won’t pick up on how much he means it.

Taeyong laughs. “You’re cruel.” Jaehyun furrows his brow, not understanding what he means. Taeyong flops back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. “You know, you’re really something Jung Jaehyun.” 

“I’d like to hope you mean that in a good way,” Jaehyun says, mirroring Taeyong and laying down. 

Taeyong doesn’t answer for a second before turning his head to look at Jaehyun. “I mean everything I say about you in a good way.” 

Jaehyun blushes. His heart is beating so loud he’s afraid Taeyong will be able to hear it through his chest and frantically wills himself to calm down. “Oh. Thanks, I guess.” 

Taeyong laughs. “You need to stop making me love you so much.”  Jaehyun wants to scream it back at Taeyong, he’s not the one head over heels in love. 

“I can’t help it, I just want you to love me as much as I love you.” It’s dangerous territory, his words are risky but it’s late enough at night that Jaehyun lets them out. 

Taeyong doesn’t answer and for a second Jaehyun’s afraid he’s messed up and gone too far. He anxiously turns to look at Taeyong whose face is unreadable, staring up at the ceiling. Finally, Taeyong sits up. “Can I sleep here tonight?” He asks. 

Jaehyun nods, a little shocked by the sudden topic change. “I’ll get you sweats so you can be more comfortable.” He gets up and goes to his drawer, glad to have distance from Taeyong to be able to think. Jaehyun scolds himself, he shouldn’t have been so forward, he’s probably made Taeyong uncomfortable. But Taeyong initiated it, he pushed it, so Jaehyun can’t be all to blame. Right? 

“What are you thinking about?” Taeyong asks. 

“Nothing,” Jaehyun says, turning back to Taeyong with the clothes. “Here.” 

Taeyong smiles in thanks and takes them from Jaehyun before starting to pull off his sweater. Jaehyun quickly averts his eyes and turns around. He’s seen Taeyong change plenty of times, but he doesn’t trust himself with keeping a straight face now. Instead, he focuses on tidying up his dresser, randomly moving things around just for a distraction. 

Only when he hears Taeyong sit down does he turn back. Taeyong is folding his clothes and Jaehyun smiles at the sight. 

“Do you want to take my bed? I can go downstairs and take the couch if you want.” Jaehyun asks, just for show. He already knows what Taeyong will answer. They’ve shared a bed more times than Jaehyun can count and it’s never been a big deal for them. However, he still gives Taeyong the option, just in case. 

“It’s fine, come here,” Taeyong says, rolling his eyes and patting the space next to him. 

Jaehyun smiles and happily joins Taeyong on his bed, scooching over to the other side. They both slip under the covers, leaving space in the middle. It’s something they’ve done a billion times. Yet, for some reason, something feels off. 

They lay in a thick silence, unsaid words burning in the air. The dark of the room is suffocating and Jaehyun is hyper-aware of the space between them. They’re so close that he could easily touch Taeyong, wrap his arms around him and hold him close. Jaehyun feels like he’s being physically pulled towards him, invisible magnets drawing Jaehyun closer and closer. 

The longing is so strong that Jaehyun forces himself to turn away and press as close to the wall as possible. He wills himself to fall asleep and forget the beautiful boy who is so close yet so out of reach at the same time. But as always, sleep stays far away, only taunting him as he’s left to the torturous quiet of the night, only broken by Taeyong’s soft breaths. 

Jaehyun doesn’t fall asleep that night. 

 

~~

 

The semester drags on and midterms approach rapidly. After that night Jaehyun doesn’t see Taeyong for a week, only catching occasional glimpses in the halls. He still tries his best to avoid him but Jaehyun’s figured out that no matter how much he runs, Taeyong will eventually track him down. It’s maddening. 

Jaehyun’s sleep is still inconsistent but he’s calmed down slightly, giving himself more time to relax despite the looming threat of tests. And so, he finds himself once again at a party, this time at Yuta’s house. 

This one is much more contained, it’s smaller and Jaehyun ends up lounging on the porch with Mark and Johnny, sharing dumb stories and reveling in the seeming endlessness of the night. Jaehyun hasn’t drank anything and had turned down the blunt offered to him earlier, he doesn’t trust himself not to be sober right now. Not when Taeyong is just inside. Not when he’s so close to giving in and telling Taeyong everything. 

Jaehyun distracts himself from said boy with what Mark is saying, some dumb story about something his History teacher had done.  

“You wouldn’t believe how pissed he was, but it was so worth it. The look on his face  - the best thing I’ve ever seen.” Mark rambles, laughing at the memory. Jaehyun knows the teacher he’s talking about. He’s infamously strict and often quite an asshole to students who can’t keep up. So Jaehyun laughs along with Mark and hopes he’s not too obviously distracted. 

Since the night Taeyong stayed over Jaehyun’s been replaying every moment in his head constantly, analyzing every word, every look. Searching for a sign that there’s something more there. He still doesn’t know why Taeyong was upset, he was too afraid to ask. The boldness that had come with the night had disappeared when the sun came back up and Jaehyun had reverted back to his awkward self. 

And as if summoned by his thoughts, the door creaks open and announces a newcomer. Jaehyun doesn’t need to look up to know it’s Taeyong, he recognizes his footsteps as he walks over and sits down between Jaehyun and Mark. 

“Hey guys,” Taeyong says, though only looking at Jaehyun. “Can I join? It’s really hot inside and I need some air.”

“No problem,” Johnny says, smirking at Jaehyun over Taeyong’s shoulder. 

Taeyong was wearing a jean jacket earlier that night but it’s disappeared and he’s left now just in a thin white t-shirt, hanging loosely off his slender frame. He looks good, _really good._ Jaehyun runs his eyes down Taeyong’s sharp jaw, down his pale neck, gulping slightly as he lets his gaze dip to Taeyong’s collarbones, just barely revealed by the wide neckline. Flushing slightly he flickers his eyes back up to find Taeyong looking right back at him, quirking an eyebrow slightly. Jaehyun knows he’s been caught and awkwardly looks away, grateful for the cover of the dark for his surely red ears.

“Hey Mark, want to go get something to drink with me?” Johnny suddenly asks. 

“Aren’t you holding a beer right n-” Johnny shoots Mark a meaningful look that thankfully works to shut him up. “Oh okay, I actually need to pee anyways.” Mark stumbles out, obviously confused. 

Jaehyun rolls his eyes at Johnny’s lack of subtly, ignoring the suggestive eyebrow wiggle Johnny gives him as he leads Mark inside. 

As the other two disappear Jaehyun is left alone with Taeyong, the dark settling in around them. 

“Johnny’s certainly something.” Taeyong chuckles. Jaehyun nods stiffly, part of him desperately wants to run away, but the other half wants to be as close to Taeyong as he can. 

Neither of them speaks after that, but there’s a charge in the air that’s impossible to ignore. Jaehyun feels like he’s holding his breath, waiting for something to burst. He can hear every time Taeyong shifts his weight, he’s almost sure he can hear the other boy’s heartbeat in the dead silence of the night. Finally, Taeyong speaks. 

“Jaehyun.” Taeyong’s voice is low, slightly raspy. Jaehyun turns his head to glance at Taeyong, just barely able to make out his features from the light spilling out from inside. 

“Do you remember when we were young? And you told me that I wasn’t allowed to go to middle school until you did. So I tried to be as bad as I could and get held back, but it didn’t work and I had to move up with everyone else. And you didn’t talk to me for a week because I had left you behind. Remember that?” 

Jaehyun does. He remembers it vividly. He had been furious, Taeyong had promised that they would go together, that he would wait for Jaehyun. But Taeyong had broken his promise and had moved up with the rest of the kids in his grade. Jaehyun had felt incredibly betrayed, he couldn’t believe Taeyong would leave him all alone in elementary school. Of course, he wasn’t able to stay mad and had forgiven Taeyong, but that was when he first realized just how far apart they would always be. 

“Yeah. I’m still mad about it.” Jaehyun jokes, though it unintentionally comes out with a hint of bitterness. 

“Sometimes I wish you were born two years earlier,” Taeyong says. “Then we could have moved up together.” 

Jaehyun has thought about that many times. Every time he felt intimidated by Taeyong’s cool, older friends, every time he was reminded how much less mature he was, how far behind he was in life. He cursed his parents for not giving birth to him earlier, for forcing him into this constant state of trying to catch up. Jaehyun doesn’t share that though. 

“But then I’d be all old and gross.” He laughs as Taeyong hits on the arm, as expected. 

“You’re such a brat.” Taeyong grumbles. Jaehyun pouts, turning to face him. 

“I’m adorable and you know it.” Jaehyun wasn’t sure what he was expecting but making Taeyong cough awkwardly and look away, was not it. Though, he doesn’t mind the reaction. 

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Taeyong says, still not looking back at Jaehyun. 

They let silence wash back over them for a few minutes, the murmur of voices from inside filling the space between them. It’s nice, the night air is cool but not uncomfortably so and the party inside leaves the atmosphere bright. Jaehyun lets out a deep breath as he leans back on his elbows, letting his head fall back and his shoulders relax. 

“I’m going to graduate soon.” Once again Taeyong is the first to speak. 

Jaehyun almost winces at the reminder. The curse of their age difference is back again. He’s thought about Taeyong leaving plenty of times, but he tries to keep the thought out of his head. He can’t bring himself to face it just yet. 

“I’m a little scared.” Jaehyun glances up again, Taeyong is staring off into the dark driveway, chewing on his bottom lip slightly. 

“Why?” Jaehyun asks. “It’s exciting.”

“I don’t know...what if university is terrible and I fail all my classes? What if I don’t make any friends?” Taeyong sounds like a little kid, worrying not about university but his first day of middle school. And once again, Jaehyun is the one enviously watching him move on. 

“Neither of those are going to happen. It’s going to be great - you’re going to be great. You’ll make a bunch of amazing new friends and forget all of us back home.” Jaehyun accidentally lets a bit of his own sourness slip out and scolds himself for sounding so resentful. However, Taeyong suddenly turns to him, eyes burning into his own. 

“You know, I’ll always come back for you,” Taeyong says, voice strikingly charged. “No matter what happens.” 

“I know.” Jaehyun’s not sure he understands but he doesn’t know what else to say. He wasn’t expecting the sudden turn. Taeyong’s eyes are drawing him in, as if putting him into a trance and his throat feels dry. 

Jaehyun wants to reach out and touch Taeyong, he feels a need to make sure he’s still there. In the velvety cloak of the dark, he feels unusually brave, as if anything could happen. And so, he does. 

He lets his hand drift to Taeyong’s cheek, the touch is brief, just barely a whisper but it’s as if he shocks him. Both of their breaths hitch and there’s a new shift. Jaehyun sees Taeyong’s eyes darken, and his pulse quickens in anticipation. He’s terrified yet excited, a flood everything all at once. 

Jaehyun hears Taeyong move and suddenly Taeyong’s hand wraps around his. Taeyong’s skin is icy cold against his, slender fingers interlacing themselves between Jaehyun’s. Jaehyun feels as if he’s on fire. He turns his palm and tightens his fingers around Taeyong’s, it doesn’t feel even as if he’s in control of his own body. 

He doesn’t know who moves to who, maybe they both do, but they’re drawing closer, the space between them slowly disappearing until there are lips on his. _Taeyong’s lips_. He’s kissing Taeyong and it’s everything he’s expected but completely new at the same time. It’s desperate, messy, years of emotions flooding from one to the other, as if every moment since they’ve met has been leading them to this. It’s explosive.  

Taeyong brings up a hand to cradle Jaehyun’s cheek and Jaehyun finally lets himself tangle a hand in Taeyong’s hair, his other hand drifting to Taeyong’s waist. The contact causes the older boy to gasp slightly into Jaehyun’s mouth and it’s almost scary the effect it has on him. Jaehyun can’t think, the only thing he can register is Taeyong and _god_ , he just wants to melt into the other boy. He’s drowning in Taeyong’s touch, in Taeyong’s lips, all that’s running through his head is _Taeyong, Taeyong, Taeyong._

But suddenly Taeyong’s gone. His hands are gone, his lips are gone and Jaehyun hears Taeyong frantically scramble away from him. Jaehyun opens his eyes to find Taeyong standing up, hair messy, cheeks flushed and panic splashed across his face. 

“I’m sorry. I fucked up. I shouldn’t have done that.” Jaehyun can’t even react as Taeyong practically runs inside. The door slams behind him and just like that, Taeyong has left and Jaehyun is alone on the porch. 

For a moment Jaehyun is stunned, trying to process what happened. Taeyong kissed him - or maybe he kissed Taeyong. Still, Taeyong hadn’t pulled away at first. Taeyong had been the one to deepen the kiss, he had been the one to pull Jaehyun closer. But he had been the one to run away. The ghost of Taeyong’s touch is still around him, he can taste Taeyong on his lips and even smell traces of his cologne, cruel reminders of what Jaehyun has just lost. 

Jaehyun can’t bring himself to be mad, he can’t even get himself to cry. He’s simply hollow. 

The door slams again and Jaehyun turns around, trying to push down the bubble of hope that maybe Taeyong’s come back. But of course, it’s just Ten, drunk out of his mind. 

“Jaehyun~” Ten slurs happily. “Come dance with me!” It’s the last thing Jaehyun wants to do but he does what he’s good at, pastes on his brightest smile and takes Ten’s hand. 

~~

Jaehyun doesn’t cry when he gets home. He doesn’t think about the sight of Taeyong, being half carried in a drunken stupor out of the party. He doesn’t worry about him, even though he knows Taeyong doesn’t usually drink. 

Taeyong wasn’t drunk when he kissed him, there had been no hint of alcohol on his lips. Jaehyun not sure whether that makes it worse. 

~~

It finally sinks in the next morning. Jaehyun checks his phone when he wakes up to find an onslaught of messages from Johnny. 

_ what happened? _

_ why is taeyong so upset? _

_ what did he do???? hes saying he fucked up _

_ r u okay? _

And finally a little later:

_ call me when u see these _

Everything comes rushing back to him, the tension, the kiss, and most of all, Taeyong running away. Taeyong had seemed to regret it, though Jaehyun doesn’t know why. Does he not like Jaehyun? Then why would he kiss him in the first place? Jaehyun groans and collapses back onto his pillows. Everything is too messed up and confusing to think about this early in the morning. His phone buzzes, the screen lighting up to show another message, this time from Mark. 

_ hey, i need ur help _

Jaehyun sighs and unlocks his phone to respond with a simple question mark, too tired to type any more out. After a minute another bubble pops up. 

_ i need help with a project, can u come over?  _

_ pleaseeee  _

_ it’ll be fun, dongyoung and jeno are coming too  _

_ ill provide food  _

Jaehyun gives in at that. Though he’d like to stay in bed all day wallowing in his patheticness he

has to admit he could use a distraction. And besides, how could he turn down free food? 

Half an hour later after a shower and lunch, Jaehyun decides to call Johnny as he walks to Mark’s house.  

Johnny picks up immediately, as if waiting for his call. 

“Can you tell me what happened?” Johnny asks as soon as he picks up. 

“Not even a hello first?” Jaehyun grumbles but lets it go and gives Johnny a brief summary of the previous night. He’s surprisingly relieved to spill, it feels nice to get it out of his head and Johnny’s often been the person he’s gone to for advice about these things. Johnny is silent even after Jaehyun finishes, his thoughts almost audible over the phone. 

“Wow, he really did fuck up,” Johnny says after a minute. 

“Yeah,” Jaehyun pouts, he didn’t need Johnny to tell him that. “Do you have anything helpful to say?” 

“Talk to him? I think he just panicked.” 

Jaehyun starts shaking his head even before Johnny can finish. There’s no way he can face Taeyong right now. 

“He seemed like he totally regretted it, I don’t think he actually wanted to kiss me. And what am I supposed to say to him? It’s so weird,” Jaehyun whines. 

“Don’t be such a wimp, just talk to him-” Jaehyun stops listening though. Because he’s reached Marks house and standing on the front step is, of course, Taeyong. It’s almost comical Jaehyun manages to think, he’s truly got the worst luck in the world. 

“Listen, I gotta go, thanks for your advice,” Jaehyun hisses before hanging up quickly. He looks around, considering turning back and going home but when he looks up he makes eye contact with Taeyong, sealing his fate. There’s no way he can just turn around and leave now. Taeyong looks away quickly and Jaehyun curses his horrible luck as he continues walking up to Mark’s porch, taking as long as he can. 

When he gets there Jaehyun ignores Taeyong and knocks on Mark’s door, purposefully not looking at the older boy. Jaehyun can feel Taeyong’s gaze burning into him but doesn’t give in. He won’t be the first to break the silence. The tension between them is excruciating and when Mark finally throws open the door Jaehyun almost wants to cry in relief. 

“Hi guys!” Mark says with a smile, completely unaware. 

“Hi!” Jaehyun throws an arm around Mark and hurries into the house, leaving Taeyong behind them. He’s not mad per say… he just feels like it’s Taeyong’s responsibility to come up to him first, since he was the one to break things. 

Mark doesn’t seem to notice and happily leads him into the living room where Dongyoung and Jeno are as promised, along with one of Jeno’s friends, Jaemin. All three greet Jaehyun happily and when Taeyong trails in behind him they let out another chorus. The mood is sunny but Jaehyun can’t let himself be drawn in, Taeyong’s figure is burning in the corner of his view. So, to distract himself he flops down right next to Jeno and pulls Mark with him, surrounding himself with the two younger boys. Taeyong has to make the first move. 

Taeyong instead settles alone on the floor, curled in slightly on himself. He looks so small for a second and Jaehyun feels slightly bad. But he doesn’t know where he stands right now with Taeyong, he’s not even sure they’re friends anymore. Because do friends kiss their friends like that? Jaehyun’s not sure but he doesn’t think so. 

Mark brings out his project, some science presentation and gives them their task, cutting out little paper triangles for his poster. Jaehyun’s not exactly sure what they’re for but the tedious task helps him to take his mind off of Taeyong. 

The boys work for almost forty-five minutes before Mark decides that he has enough and they can be done. Jaehyun’s happy to be finished and stretches back, resting his head in Jeno’s lap and throwing his legs over Mark’s. 

“I love you Mark but I better be paid in a shitton of food for that,” Jaehyun says, closing his eyes and letting out a sigh as he stretches out his sore back. 

The other boys let out mutters of agreement as they settle back and start to pull out their phones. Jaehyun feels a hand in his hair and opens one eye to see Jeno smiling down at him. 

“Are you petting me?” Jaehyun asks, raising an eyebrow. Jeno lets out a laugh and Jaemin reaches over to pinch his cheek. 

“You’re so handsome Jaehyun~” Jaemin coos as Jeno continues to stroke his hair. Jaehyun rolls his eyes at the younger boys’ antics, but humors them and doesn’t move away. The two continue to poke and coddle Jaehyun, even Mark adds in a couple of compliments and pinches, it’s all good fun and Jaehyun doesn’t mind. It’s not until Dongyoung joins in that anything happens. 

It’s not a big deal, Dongyoung jokingly leans down to pretend to plant a kiss on Jaehyun’s cheek, something they’ve all done to each other before. But as soon as he does it there’s a loud bang. Jaehyun whips his head to find the source of the noise a knocked over chair, caused by Taeyong, who has suddenly stood up. His face is dark and Jaehyun is almost scared. 

“Jaehyun. We need to talk. Now.” Taeyong’s voice is dark - almost a growl. Jaehyun instantly stands up, not wanting to cross him. The other boys stay silent, though their eyes show their curiosity they know better not to interfere. Taeyong walks out of the room and Jaehyun trails after him, his heart racing. He follows Taeyong back out to the porch and sits down next to him on the steps. It’s a haunting parallel to where they were the night before. The same position, yet this time everything has changed. Taeyong looks exhausted Jaehyun notes, he must’ve had a hell of a hangover considering how drunk he was. Jaehyun can’t help to be upset, it’s in his nature to worry about Taeyong. 

“What do you want from me?” Jaehyun asks, the words coming out harsher than he intended. 

“I can’t stand it,” Taeyong mutters. “It’s dumb but I hate it.” 

“What?” Taeyong looks over at him, his gaze piercing. 

“I hate that they can be all over you and I can’t even touch you.” The words are barely audible but Jaehyun understands. And he’s furious. 

“What do you mean by that? How can you be jealous when you’re the one who messed this all up?” Jaehyun bursts out, standing up in his frustration.  

“I didn’t mean to - it was a mistake, I’m sorry!” Taeyong’s upset, it’s clear in his voice, the regret present in his eyes. Jaehyun is too angry to care though.

“If it was a mistake then why do you care what I do with my other friends?” 

“I-” Taeyong cuts himself off, looking helplessly up at Jaehyun.

“If you didn’t want to kiss me then why would you? If you didn’t want to kiss me then why should it matter if someone else does?” Jaehyun knows he pushing it. He wants an answer, he wants to see if Taeyong will tell him the words he desperately wants to hear. _It wasn’t a mistake, I want you._

But Taeyong doesn’t seem to be able to say anything. He just stares at Jaehyun, as if pleading him to stop. But Jaehyun can’t now that he’s started. He won’t until Taeyong answers him. 

“I can take it if you don’t like me like that, but if you don’t then let me be, we can forget it and move on.” Jaehyun’s voice cracks on the last word, he’s on the verge of tears but he still can’t stop. “Please, just pick one way or another.” 

Jaehyun’s wishing, hoping, waiting for the words he needs. For Taeyong to take everything back but the kiss, to pull him close and let them fix things together. He stares at Taeyong and waits, for something, _anything_. But instead, Taeyong does what he does best and runs away. 

“I’m sorry.” are the last words Jaehyun hears before Taeyong turns and walks down the driveway, leaving Jaehyun heartbroken on a porch for the second time in 24 hours. 

It’s almost even funny.    
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song for this chapter: friends - ed sheeran
> 
> oops? don't hate me sdhjkfgg i promised you guys it'd get angsty and they both make a lot of bad decisions
> 
> y'all can yell at me or taeyong in the comments (we both deserve it)


	4. Chapter 4

Midterms come and go with shining results for Jaehyun. He spends the break after almost completely in his room, coming up with as many excuses as he can not to hang out with his friends. He’s not in the mood to pretend like everything’s okay and with so many mutual friends, it’s very likely for Taeyong to come up in conversations or even be there when he hangs out with them. Jaehyun’s not ready for that just yet.

Speaking of Taeyong, Jaehyun hasn’t heard from him once. He tries his best not to be hopeful but at first, he can’t help jumping every time his phone buzzes and his heart starts racing at every ring of the doorbell. Taeyong’s always came back to him, they’ve never been able to stay apart for too long. That’s just how they are. Jaehyun half expects a scene out of a rom-com with Taeyong showing up at his doorstep with a bouquet of roses and a beg for forgiveness.

Only after two weeks of silence does Jaehyun give up.

When school picks back up again Jaehyun goes back to his “avoiding Taeyong” schedule, this time helped by the other boy almost certainly avoiding him as well. Their friends don’t comment on the sudden split, it’s obvious something's changed but neither of the two wants to spill so they just accept it.

Jaehyun surrounds himself with his teammates, finding it easy to slip into the background when he’s with them. He doesn’t have to talk as much, the large group of boys most definitely doesn’t suffer from a lack of noise. They don’t ask him about Taeyong and don’t notice if he seems dull or tired. It’s nice to be ignored sometimes.

Jaehyun lets himself slip back into his habit of _work, work, work, practice, practice, practice._ Despite the exhaustion, it’s comforting to be busy. His default response to any sort of pain is to distract himself with work, to turn it into something productive. Jaehyun refuses to let Taeyong take his future away from him, one heartbreak is not allowed to ruin his entire life. He won’t let himself fall apart because of a boy. Because even if he’s fading inside he’s glowing everywhere else and that’s what matters.

When university acceptance announcements are released Jaehyun hears whispers around the school. Taeyong’s apparently been accepted somewhere very prestigious and more importantly, somewhere very far from their small town. Jaehyun tells himself that he’s happy about Taeyong going far away from him and not the fact that Taeyong got in somewhere good.

He’s seen how hard Taeyong’s worked over the past few years and the tiniest part, the part of him he wants to ignore, is proud to see that it’s paid off.

Johnny also gets a good result, though the school is also quite a bit away causing Jaehyun to worry about Ten. Johnny and Ten have gotten progressively closer over the year and almost everyone in their friend group suspects the two have something real going on. Jaehyun’s fears are confirmed when he notices that Ten starts spending less and less time around Johnny. When Jaehyun confronts him about it though Ten denies everything.

Ten’s distancing himself, it’s clear. But it doesn’t feel right to try and save a relationship that doesn’t have a promising future. So Jaehyun just sits back and watches the two slowly push further and further apart.

Jaehyun starts to understand what Taeyong had meant about growing up. At the beginning of the year, they were all fearless, everything seemed under their control. Now, just a few months later it’s all changed. The nights they used to spend all together have stopped, the lunch tables are split in two, the plans for the summer have all fallen through, everything’s breaking down.

Jaehyun feels like he’s watching a glass of water tip over, seconds away from falling but he’s too far away to do anything but wait for the spill.  

~~

“Jaehyun!” A light voice calls Jaehyun’s attention from his worksheet to a girl standing in front of him. He takes out his earbuds and looks up at her. He’s seen her around in a few of his classes, she’s very pretty and always makes interesting comments during discussions.

“I was wondering if you would be my partner for the History project?” she asks, smiling brightly at him.

“Um, sure,” Jaehyun answers. He’s never really spoken to her before but she’s always seemed nice. “What’s your name again?”

“Minyoung, we’ve had like four classes together. I feel weird now because I knew your name and you don’t remember me at all,” she laughs. Jaehyun blushes, slightly embarrassed.

“Sorry, I’m not very good with names,”

“Don’t worry about it, here’s my number, we can make a plan for it tonight. Does that sound good?” Minyoung asks, handing Jaehyun a slip of paper at the same time. Jaehyun nods and waves as she walks away, entering in her contact right after knowing he’ll almost definitely lose the paper.

By lunch, everyone knows that Minyoung is dating Jaehyun. As soon as he sits down at the table he’s greeting with a chorus of congratulations and questions.

“Nice going dude! Snagged you a nice one there!”

“I’d die to get her, she’s gorgeous!”

“How’d you do it? I heard she came up to you first!”

Jaehyun is completely taken aback, not knowing what to say. He looks over to see Dongyoung looking at him, eyes questioning.

“Guys, calm down, I’m not dating her. We’re just working on a project together.” Jaehyun stammers out, still in shock. “I have no idea where this rumor started.”

His friends all roll their eyes clearly not believing him. However, Jaehyun proves to be stubborn in his answer so they eventually move on, getting bored with his resistance. Only Dongyoung is still staring at him, when Jaehyun catches his eye he raises an eyebrow.

“I’m not dating her, I promise.” Jaehyun whispers.

“I’m not the one who cares,” Dongyoung says back before turning away, leaving Jaehyun confused. He opens his mouth to try and ask for clarification but then he sees him and understands.

Taeyong is sitting a few tables away, staring straight at Jaehyun. It’s the first time Jaehyun’s made eye contact with Taeyong in almost a month and it feels like all his breath has been pulled out of his chest. Taeyong’s dyed his hair back to a dark brown and he’s wearing a pair of round glasses. He’s as beautiful as always but Jaehyun feels sick just looking at him.

Taeyong’s expression is blank but Jaehyun knows Taeyong well enough to see the upset in his eyes.  _Is he jealous?_

Jaehyun boldly tilts his head, as if to ask _what do you want?_ As soon as he moves though, it breaks the moment and Taeyong quickly looks away. Jaehyun rolls his eyes scornfully, of course Taeyong scurries away as soon as he actually has to face Jaehyun.

If Taeyong wants to be jealous, let him. Jaehyun tells himself. There’s no reason he has to know it’s not true. He’s already ruined his chance.

_I don’t belong to him anymore._

~~ 

The next few months are a cloud of grey colored days, long nights, and dull headaches. Now well into the second semester, classes are picking up again from the lull after midterms. Jaehyun pushes out essay after essay, goes through what seems like a thousand flashcards every week and it feels like he can’t even stop to catch his breath. He’s slowly breaking down.

Jaehyun hates it, he hates that Taeyong has this control over him and that he’s suffering so much all because of a boy that can’t make up his mind. He tries everything to move on, changing his lock-screen from what used to be a photo of them, taking down all the pictures on his walls and pushing the clothes he got from Taeyong to the back of his drawers. None of it works.

Despite his efforts, he’s gotten himself into his bad place, the place only Taeyong could get him out of before. And it hurts. The one person he depended on to keep him from drowning is now the one who pushed him in.

Jaehyun feels utterly pathetic.

He’s lost significant weight from all his stress, he’s sick more often than not, and his default emotion can only be described as dreary. He knows he’s falling apart but all he can do is watch as it happens. He grew up dependant on Taeyong to be his support system and he never learned how to simply lean on himself. Jaehyun knows it’s unhealthy, he knows he shouldn’t rely on one person so much. But he doesn’t have the fight or the energy left in him to do anything but fall.

No one seems to notice. He still excels in school and on the team so most people don’t care how he’s doing otherwise. He’s good at pretending to be happy in front of his friends and brushes off anything else as just being tired or stressed. They all are so no one questions it. Even his parents are blinded by his stellar grades to look any deeper. Sometimes, Jaehyun considers what would happen if he just gave up on school, if he bombed all his tests and refused to go to class. Would they pay attention then?

But he can’t bring himself to do that. Because if he loses his good grades Taeyong will have finally ruined the last piece of Jaehyun that’s left. So Jaehyun pushes on, he keeps going and stays up until his eyes are so blurry he can’t read or tell his dreams from reality. He runs until his legs burn and he can’t think about Taeyong because it hurts to even breathe.

Jaehyun just wants to move on, he just wants to let everything go, to be able to be okay again, to see colors in their full strength and to feel more than the constant dull ache in his chest. He hates that he still longs for Taeyong, that he still loves him and wants nothing more but to have him back.

Jaehyun goes to a few parties. He tries to mindlessly flirt but every time he gets close to someone, his thoughts are flooded with the image of Taeyong and he has to hurriedly back out again.

One night he gets madly drunk and makes out with a pretty girl in a bathroom. He knows he doesn’t like girls but they feel so foreign it makes it easier to keep Taeyong out of his head. She seems nice and Jaehyun feels slightly bad for leading her on, but it’s clear that she’s not interested in him for anything more than a little bit of fun and he doesn't feel a need to explain his situation to her. He kisses her mechanically, no thought or emotion on his part, but she doesn’t seem to mind and doesn’t push him to go any further.

She’s sliding her head just under the hem of his shirt when the bathroom door slams open. They break apart instantly and when Jaehyun looks up to see who it is he winces slightly. Yuta is standing in the doorway, awkwardly looking at him.

After he stopped being friends with Taeyong, Yuta also drifted away and Jaehyun hasn’t actually spoken to him in quite a while. Reconnecting like this isn’t exactly his ideal plan.

“Sorry sorry, I’ll um...leave you guys to it,” Yuta says, going to close the door again.

“No it’s fine, I’m actually leaving right now,” Jaehyun says quickly before turning to the girl. “Um, bye I guess?” he says, rubbing his neck in discomfort before giving her a small wave and pushing past Yuta out into the hall.

He feels strangely guilty, like a child caught sneaking out past curfew. He wonders for a second if Yuta will tell Taeyong about it but then catches himself. What does it matter? What business is it of Taeyong’s who he chooses to make out with. Of course, Taeyong should know he has no interest in girls but if he cares then it’s his problem. Jaehyun chuckles out loud, the thing he did to try and get his thoughts away from Taeyong ended up causing him to think about him more.

After that though, Jaehyun gives up on flirting. It just feels too wrong.

~~

Dongyoung is the first to step in. One day during lunch he grabs Jaehyun’s arm as soon as he sits down and pulls him straight back up again.

“Come with me, we need to talk,” Dongyoung says, not giving Jaehyun time to protest. The two move over to a smaller table, separate from the group of rowdy boys they were sitting with before. As soon as they’re alone Dongyoung starts talking.

“I don’t know what happened between you and Taeyong but you’re a mess and you need to shape up now. A boy is not worth all of this.”

Jaehyun opens his mouth to deny it but Dongyoung cuts him off.

“I should’ve stepped in earlier but you need to get yourself out of this rut you’re in. I’m here for you, we all are. Don’t think it’s not obvious you’re working yourself to the bone again. I’m not going to force you to talk to Taeyong but I will make you come with us to the movies this weekend. We haven’t hung out in ages and I think it’ll do you good.”

Jaehyun’s a little stunned and extremely touched by Dongyoung’s words. He knows he’s not healthy but it’s different to hear someone else say it. So he agrees to the movie as a hopeful step in the right direction.

Mark follows next. A few days later Jaehyun is heading to the library instead of going to lunch, wanting to get ahead on a project. His plans are ruined when he’s suddenly attacked by an overexcited Mark who pulls him away from the library and to the cafeteria, insisting that he has to talk to him and it can’t wait.

It turns out to be nothing important, just a rant about his unfair grades. However, Jaehyun finds himself laughing the whole period at Mark’s impersonation of his math teacher and when some of Mark’s other friends join them Jaehyun finds himself surrounded by a cloud of positive energy that’s hard not to want to join. Jaehyun realizes just how much he’s missed this, laughing until it hurt, making fun of each other, and just relaxing instead of constantly working.

After Mark it’s Ten, forcing him to come to a party. Then it’s Johnny inviting him to lunch, and all of a sudden Jaehyun finds himself constantly with one friend or another. He knows they’re purposefully trying to get him out of the house but he doesn't care. It feels good to have fun again.

It’s helped by the end of school being tantalizingly close. The seniors have started to wind down, much to the envy of everyone else who still have to study constantly. Johnny takes immense pleasure in being able to just lay on his phone while the rest are preparing for tests and writing essays. Finals are a looming threat but they all have frequent study dates and Jaehyun’s used to being stressed by now.

Slowly but surely Jaehyun finds himself smiling more and more. Yes, it still hurts when he hears Taeyong’s name mentioned in casual conversations. He occasionally spends sleepless nights thinking about where he went wrong and cursing himself for falling so hard for someone who should’ve just been his best friend. His world is still tinted grey but little by little his friends start to color it in. Jaehyun’s not at his 100% - not yet, but he’s heading up.

~~

Graduation is the day after the last day of school and a huge event for them all. Everyone puts on their best suits and Ten picks Jaehyun up early so they can stop and get flowers. They also pick up Mark and Dongyoung along the way and spend the car ride telling all the embarrassing stories they can remember about the seniors.

Jaehyun doesn’t even mind when Taeyong is mentioned, he’s in a strangely good mood. He’s happier than he’s been in a very long time. School’s out, finals were a success, things just seem lighter.

 

When they get to school they head to the hall and find seats by some of their other friends. Jaehyun spots Taeyong’s parents out of the corner of his eye and runs over to greet them. He’s missed them, having spent almost half of his childhood at their house he still has fond feelings despite his status with their son.

He’s exchanging friendly small talk with them when suddenly Taeyong’s mom perks up.

“Oh, look who it is!” She exclaims, waving someone over. Jaehyun’s heart sinks, already knowing what’s coming next. He looks around to find Taeyong walking over and turns back quickly when he makes eye contact with the older boy.

“I should get back to my friends, it was nice to talk to you,” Jaehyun tries to escape but it appears he’s run out of luck because Taeyong’s mom cuts him off.

“Not before I’ve gotten a picture of you two! You’ve gotten so big, I can’t believe it,” Taeyong’s mom says as Taeyong reaches them. “Come Taeyong, take a picture with Jaehyun.”

Jaehyun freezes as she pushes her son into his side. He can feel Taeyong stiffen as well but realizes he can’t do anything about it and throws his arm around Taeyong’s shoulder. They just have to get this over with.

Taeyong’s mom coos over the two as she pulls out her phone. “I can’t believe my boys are all grown up.” Her eyes are slightly teary as she smiles at them and Jaehyun can’t bring himself to be mad despite how uncomfortable the situation is.

Taeyong is still stiff next to him but Jaehyun throws on his brightest smile and pulls Taeyong even closer, he’s always been good at faking it. Taeyong’s mom takes an agonizingly long time to take a picture, stopping to fix Taeyong’s hair and gushing about how handsome they've gotten. Jaehyun wills her to hurry up, every second is torture and he wants nothing more but to get away. Being this close to Taeyong is suffocating. _Finally_ , she’s satisfied and the two boys break apart instantly, avoiding all eye contact and Jaehyun quickly excuses himself.

When he gets back to his friends he can feel every inch of him that was touching Taeyong still tingling. Luckily he’s quickly distracted because the ceremony is about to start and they have to rush to quiet down as their head of school takes to the stage. The seniors walk in and are greeting with a wave of applause as they take their seats at the front of the room. After that a few students come up to make speeches and Jaehyun zones out slightly, entertaining himself instead by playing with Jeno’s hair, who’s sitting in front of him.

The ceremony is slightly boring, the only real fun part is when they play a slideshow of baby pictures of all the seniors followed by pictures of them now. It causes a wave tears from all the parents and a lot of laughter from the kids. Finally, the seniors are called up one by one to get their diplomas and shake hands with the head. When their friends are called up Jaehyun and his friends holler loudly, not even caring that they’re probably incredibly embarrassing. Jaehyun even cheers for Taeyong, something inside him feels like he has to, just for the sake of their prior friendship.

Once it’s all over they swarm over to their friends, showering them with congratulations, hugs, and even a few kisses just for fun. Everyone's laughing, Johnny fake proposes to Ten and Jaehyun hoists Yuta up onto his shoulders, their past awkwardness forgotten. He catches Taeyong’s eye and caught up in the celebrations, he lets himself shoot the other a smile, it’s small and he looks away right after but it’s something.

They separate after, the seniors going with their families for lunch and Jaehyun going with the rest of his friends to a diner before heading back home to change for Johnny’s party that night. A few hours later Ten picks Jaehyun up once again and they drive over to Johnny’s, excited for the first party of break.

Jaehyun takes the car ride as an opportunity to talk to Ten.

“How are you and Johnny?” Jaehyun asks, reaching over to turn down the music slightly. Ten sighs and takes a moment to answer.

“I think...I think we’re going to be okay.” Ten answers, sounding hopeful. “I really do.”

“That’s great,” Jaehyun says, smiling and ruffling Ten’s hair. “I’m really happy for you guys.”

“I’m scared, I don’t know how we’re going to do with him going away and all.” Ten admits. “But, I’m willing to try my hardest if he is.”

Jaehyun’s heart tightens slightly hearing that, he might’ve been in Ten’s place if things had played out differently. Even if Taeyong hadn’t run away they still would’ve had to deal with Taeyong leaving. The world certainly doesn’t make it easy to be in love.

“I think you guys will make it work, really.”

Ten laughs. “Gosh, why’re we getting so emotional? Tonight’s only for fun. C’mon let’s just enjoy ourselves.”

And that’s what they do. As soon as they arrive Ten disappears to find Johnny and Jaehyun heads outside with Dongyoung. It’s not a big affair but there are enough people to make it feel like a real party. They settle with a couple other kids from their school, everyone’s in a great mood because for the seniors they’re finally done and for everyone else, school’s over at least for the year. Jaehyun decides not to drink, he’s happy enough that he doesn’t feel like he needs it and he really wants to remember everything.

He eventually finds his way to the dance floor and pulls Ten off of Johnny to be his partner. They dance outrageously dirtily together for a song or two laughing the whole time and Jaehyun laughs even harder when he spots Johnny pouting at the couple.

“Don’t be jealous, come join!” Jaehyun shouts to Johnny over the music and pulls him over. The three dance together, practically falling over from laughing so hard. When Jaehyun spots Dongyoung he pulls him in to join as well and the four form a sort of dance circle, no one actually trying to be on the beat.

“I love you guys so fucking much!” Jaehyun yells at one point when he’s hit with a wave of gratefulness for his friends. He’s happy he didn’t drink, he’s sloppy enough as is. They dance and dance and dance until they collapse in a puppy pile on the couch. They then attempt to cover Johnny in kisses again, insisting that they’re his going away presents and Jaehyun ends up pushed onto the floor, still laughing. Suddenly Ten is up and running to the doorway.

“Yongie~ Come, you need your going away presents too!” And then Taeyong is being pulled out of seemingly nowhere.

“Yes! How could we forget!” Dongyoung exclaims, joining Ten in his efforts to plant as many kisses on Taeyong’s cheeks as possible. Jaehyun’s laughter dies down and he awkwardly looks away, playing with the strings on his ripped jeans. He sees the happiness on his friends’ faces and suddenly feels guilty that he’s been keeping them away from Taeyong this whole night. He feels Johnny poke his shoulder and when he looks up Johnny gestures with his head towards the door.

“Let’s go outside, I need some air,” Johnny says. Jaehyun smiles gratefully and stands up, following Johnny out to the backyard.

Once outside, they settle down on two lawn chairs. Johnny lies back with his hands behind his head and turns to look at Jaehyun.

“I’m going to miss this.” Johnny starts. “It’s kind of weird for me, every time I’m with you guys, even when we’re just being dumb teenagers, all I can think is my time is limited. Once I go away, it’s all going to change.”

“Don’t be like that, you can still be dumb in college.” Jaehyun jokes, nudging Johnny’s side with his shoe.

Johnny rolls his eyes. “You know what I mean,” He turns to look up at the night sky. “Once I go away I’m going to have to grow up, you know? Like I can’t just be a kid and fuck around all the time.”

Jaehyun doesn’t say anything, instead watching Johnny closely. He knows it’s the alcohol that’s causing Johnny to be so open all of a sudden and he feels bad that he didn’t know how worried Johnny is. He’s spent so much of the year dealing with his own shit that he never really had time for anyone else’s. Jaehyun gets another flash of guilt, _he’s been a pretty shitty friend this year._

“I don’t know, it’s just all going to be so different so I don’t know what to prepare for.” Johnny lets out a quiet groan and he leans his head back, squeezing his eyes shut. “I just want time to slow down for a little bit.”

“Yeah, I feel that.” Jaehyun says, “Sometimes it feels like everything’s happening way to fast.”

“I’m ready to get out of here, don’t get me wrong. I’m tired of all of your faces.” Johnny breaks out his signature smile and like that, the moment is gone.

The two slip into their natural banter, the conversation flowing away from dangerous territory and back to the safety. Time passes as they talk and Jaehyun finds himself growing tired, closing his eyes and relaxing as he listens to Johnny tell a story.

He’s brought back to full attention when suddenly there’s a commotion and the door slams open. Ten runs out looking panicked.

“Jaehyun! We need you, now!” Jaehyun stands up, and quickly follows Ten inside, eyes wide.

“What’s going on?” He asks, hurrying to catch up with Ten.

“Something’s wrong with Taeyong.” Ten says. As soon as Taeyong’s name is said Jaehyun’s blood runs cold. They rush into the living room and Jaehyun stops when he takes in the scene in front of him.

Taeyong is crouched in a corner, shaking. Everyone else has been herded out of the room except for Dongyoung who is standing a few feet away from Taeyong, staring. Taeyong’s facing the wall but Jaehyun doesn’t need to see his face to know he’s crying. Jaehyun instantly hurries over to him. Everything is gone from Jaehyun’s mind except the need to make sure he’s okay.

“Taeyong,” Jaehyun squats down next to the crying boy cautiously. “Are you okay?” When he hears his voice, Taeyong whips around. He looks horrifyingly fragile, obviously extremely drunk and his unfocused eyes are full of tears. Jaehyun’s never seen him anywhere near this before and it’s terrifying.

“What happened?” Jaehyun whirls back to face Ten, he’s furious and he needs somewhere to direct his anger. “What the fuck did you do to him?”

“I didn’t do anything, he got super pissed and he wouldn’t let anyone get near him or anything.” Ten says, eyes tearing up. “I promise I didn’t do anything, please trust me.” Ten is on the verge of crying but Jaehyun’s too worried to care.

“Jaehyun, take care of Taeyong and leave him alone,” Johnny scolds, having followed them in. “There’s no use in being mad, just make sure he’s okay.” Johnny ushers Ten out of the room and Dongyoung follows as well leaving them alone.

He turns back to Taeyong and finds the boy staring back at him. Running a hand through his hair, he takes a deep breath and forces himself to settle down fully next to Taeyong.

“Jaehyun?” Taeyong whispers, voice scratchy. He’s totally out of it, Jaehyun realizes.

“Yeah, it’s me,” Jaehyun puts on a smile and reaches out softly, as if approaching a wild animal. Taeyong shies away at first but Jaehyun continues slowly, and when Taeyong doesn’t react again Jaehyun wraps an arm around Taeyong’s shoulders. At the contact, he feels Taeyong relax slightly and takes that as an opportunity to gently pull him into his side. Taeyong instantly curls into him, body still trembling as he burrows closer. Jaehyun slowly starts stroking his hair, trying to calm the boy down.

“You’re okay, I’m here now,” Jaehyun whispers over and over, holding Taeyong as close as he can. Taeyong reaches out with a shaky hand to grab one of Jaehyun’s tightly. It’s more painful than sweet, Taeyong’s hand is holding his too tight and his nails are digging into Jaehyun’s palm slightly. But Jaehyun knows Taeyong needs it, he needs something solid to cling onto. So he just tightens his grip back. Taeyong’s drowning but Jaehyun’s slowly pulling him back to the surface.

He plays with the baby hairs on the nape of Taeyong’s neck with his free hand and whispers quiet reassurances every once and a while. Jaehyun knows something could be seriously wrong with Taeyong but he doesn’t know what else to do. So he shuts down his mind and instead focuses on the warmth radiating from the other boy.

_He’s okay. We’re okay._

Jaehyun can feel Taeyong start to relax and eventually he hears Taeyong’s breaths slow down to the easy rhythm of sleep. Jaehyun’s not sure what to do now so he just carefully moves Taeyong so that he’s lying with his head in Jaehyun’s lap.

That’s how Johnny finds them, Taeyong lying down and Jaehyun slowly stroking the sleeping boy’s hair. When Johnny enters Jaehyun instantly shushes him, pointing to Taeyong.

“How is he?” Johnny asks quietly.

“Better, I think,” Jaehyun looks down and takes a deep breath before continuing. “Can you drive us back to mine?”

Johnny raises an eyebrow and Jaehyun knows what he’s thinking but ignores it.

“Please? He needs me right now.”

And because Johnny is Johnny, aka the best friend in the entire world, he lets it go.

“Wake him up, I’ll go start the car,” Johnny says, before leaving again.

Jaehyun lightly shakes Taeyong’s shoulder until his eyes flicker open. Taeyong takes a few seconds to orient himself, sitting up and looking at Jaehyun, confused.

“What’s going on?” Taeyong mumbles, rubbing his eyes.

“We’re going home,” Jaehyun says quietly. “C’mon, let’s go.”

Jaehyun stands up himself before helping Taeyong up, using his entire strength to make sure they both don’t fall over. Half-carrying Taeyong, Jaehyun walks out to the driveway where Johnny is waiting with the car. Jaehyun unloads Taeyong on one side before heading over to the other and sliding to sit in the middle next to Taeyong.

“Are you sure this is a good decision?” Johnny asks once they start driving.

Taeyong is tracing shapes on Jaehyun’s knee with his finger, his head nestled into his neck. Just from the way it makes Jaehyun feel he knows the answer to the question.

“No.”

“Ten said he wouldn’t let anyone even come within five feet of him. He let you touch him as if it was nothing,” Johnny says.

Jaehyun takes a deep breath, staring out the window. He doesn’t want to think about anything right now, especially not his relationship with Taeyong.

“We were best friends first.” It’s the only explanation he can come up with right now.

Taeyong takes this moment to pick up Jaehyun’s hand and Jaehyun feels everything start to hurt again. He sighs and leans his head back onto the head rest.

“It’s too late to think about this,” He says. “I just need to make sure he’s okay.”

Johnny doesn’t respond and they spend the rest of the drive in silence. When they get to Jaehyun’s house Johnny helps him get Taeyong out before giving him a long hug. Once Johnny pulls away Jaehyun struggles with getting Taeyong upstairs, something made much harder by the fact that Taeyong won’t let go of his hand.

Finally, they make it up to Jaehyun’s room and Jaehyun lets Taeyong down on his bed. Against Taeyong’s protests, Jaehyun lets go of his hand to pull off his shoes, deciding that it’s the least he can go.

Once he’s done with that, Jaehyun maneuvers Taeyong so that he’s laying down and even tucks him in. But when he turns to leave Taeyong reaches out and grabs his wrist, fingers icy cold against his skin.

Jaehyun turns back and finds Taeyong staring at him, eyes surprisingly focused for his current state.

“Please, don’t leave,” Taeyong whispers, voice pleading. Jaehyun’s throat tightens. He wants to get in with Taeyong like he’s done a million times, wrap him in his arms and hold him tight. Jaehyun almost breaks, the bed looks so inviting and he’s so tired. He could just get in for a little bit...

 _No_. He can’t. Things are different now. Taeyong’s too drunk to understand what he’s asking and Jaehyun has to be the responsible one. He should just go downstairs to the couch.

Jaehyun starts to move away but when he looks back and meets Taeyong’s eyes it’s too much. Sighing he moves back to the bed but instead of lying down he sits down on the floor with his back against the side. It’s a compromise of sorts. Taeyong happily drapes an arm over the side and in a moment of weakness, Jaehyun takes his hand once again.

Jaehyun strokes the back of Taeyong’s palm with his thumb, marveling at the creamy silk of his skin. Everything about Taeyong is just so _pretty_.

Sitting in the dark Jaehyun lets himself admit it for the last time.

~~

Jaehyun wakes up when he’s suddenly jostled. Groggily he turns to find Taeyong sitting next to him on the floor. They’re still holding hands, their intertwined palms resting in Taeyong’s lap. Taeyong must know he’s awake but he stays staring forward as Jaehyun turns to face him.

Neither of them says a word, it’s as if they both know once they do the moment will disappear. If they don’t talk they won’t have to face the consequences of their actions. They sit for what feels like ages, neither moving forwards but neither pulling away.

Finally Jaehyun forces himself to talk.

“Are you sober?” He has to know, he can’t continue if Taeyong isn’t able to remember anything he says.

Taeyong doesn’t react for a few seconds but then nods slowly.

Jaehyun opens his mouth, ready to continue but Taeyong speaks before he can.

“I’m in love with you.”

Jaehyun surprised that the words don’t affect him as much as he thought they would. He had longed for them so desperately for the past year but now he just feels a dull pain hearing them. So he doesn’t respond, what can he even say to that?

“I’m sorry.” Taeyong goes on, still refusing to look at him. “I was so scared, I didn’t know what to do. I felt so _much_ , I didn’t know how to deal with it.”

Jaehyun’s frozen. It’s everything he wanted. Shouldn’t he be happy? He should be saying everything back and they can live happily ever after.

But it’s not right. He has to tell Taeyong the truth.

“I don’t think we’re good for eachother,” Jaehyun forces each word out. He needs to say this.

“What do you mean?” Taeyong finally turns to look at him, confused. “We’ve always fit together perfectly.”

“I know, I know. It’s just...I need you too much. You ruined me Taeyong, I don’t think you understand how much you fucked me up. I depended on you for everything and when you disappeared I was a mess.” Jaehyun’s heart is aching with every word. He feels tears coming but he tries to hold them in. “You shouldn’t have needed me tonight. We can’t keep being like this.”

Taeyong’s staring at him and he sees tears in the older boy’s eyes as well. Jaehyun wants to take it all back but he knows it’s what he needs, it’s what _they_ need.

“I’ll always be in love with you.” Jaehyun’s voice is just barely a whisper but the words echo in the air. “But I can’t depend on you to be able to breathe.”  

There’s a moment where Jaehyun can hear both of their hearts crack and shatter apart. This time, it’s all because of him.

He’s too aware of the fact that they’re still holding hands. He should let go, he thinks. But Jaehyun can’t, not just yet. He still needs Taeyong just a bit longer. So they stay, hand in hand, not letting go because once they do, everything will be over.

Eventually, Jaehyun falls asleep. When he wakes up again, he’s alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song for this chapter: what i need - hayley kiyoko feat. kehlani 
> 
> i'm sorry again?? i promise, things will work out...once again, you can yell at me or them in the comments asdfghjskds
> 
> aLSO important shoutout to cribblingdepression on youtube, their playlists have honestly fueled this entire fic


	5. Chapter 5

Jaehyun learns that summers are lonely without Taeyong. He’s used to filling the endless dreary hours with the older boy’s company and suddenly he finds himself with nothing to do. Taeyong left early for university, he hears from his mom. It was unplanned and no one's quite sure why. Jaehyun just nods along to the gossip.

At the end of the summer, he meets a boy.

His name is Sungho. He’s friends with Dongyoung and in the grade above Jaehyun. He’s not exactly pretty but he’s certainly handsome. He doesn’t get Jaehyun’s sense of humor but he tries his best. He smells good and holds open the door even when he doesn’t have to. He sends Jaehyun good morning texts and drives him to and from school every day. He’s a little bland, a little boring sometimes, but Jaehyun doesn’t care too much.

When Sungho holds his hand there're no fireworks going off, but it’s still nice. When he pulls Jaehyun into an empty classroom and kisses him for the first time, all Jaehyun is thinking about is his next period class. They look good together though. They suit each other well and Sungho gets along with all of Jaehyun’s friends.

Well, not _all_ of them. Ten doesn’t like him and Mark is a little wary. But they tolerate him and he makes Jaehyun happy enough that they don’t say anything.

If Taeyong was a wildfire Sungho is just a spark. But he’s solid, dependable, and Jaehyun can see himself falling in love one day.

Jaehyun’s happier this year - well at least he’s a little more stable. The work is ten times more difficult and neverending in number but Jaehyun has learned how to balance succeeding with being healthy. The fall passes by and Jaehyun settles into a new rhythm.

He still misses Taeyong every day. It’s in the small things, when he passes their favorite bakery or finds an old picture of the two of them. Despite everything they went through, they were best friends first. And losing a best friend is always painful no matter the circumstances. Jaehyun knows many of his friends still talk to Taeyong, he sometimes overhears bits and pieces of conversations. It’s enough to know that he’s adjusting well to the change. Time has healed the wounds enough that Jaehyun’s happy for him.

He sometimes thinks about calling Taeyong, mostly when he’s a slightly drunk or a little too tired to make good decisions. Once, he gets as far as pulling up Taeyong’s contact. But he manages to stop his finger, hovering over the call button. Because he realizes then, it’s not fair for him to do that. He made Taeyong let him go so now he has to do the same.

~~

_6 months after_

On their last day before winter break, Taeyong comes back for the holidays. Jaehyun hears it from Jeno who heard it from Mark who saw Taeyong getting out of a car with a duffel bag. Jaehyun expected it but he still can’t focus at school, knowing that Taeyong’s not thousands of miles away but just a few blocks.

Coincidentally, it snows for the first time. Everyone rushes outside during their lunch period, the icy flakes suddenly transforming them all back to children. Jaehyun spends the time trying to make snowballs despite the small amount that’s arrived and laughing at Ten when he repeatedly slips while trying to escape said snowballs. Later, on the walk home Jaehyun is ambushed by Ten in retaliation and comes home with soaking wet clothes and bright red cheeks.

Break is nice, filled with family, good food, and the smell of a wood-burning fire. Jaehyun is still too aware that Taeyong is only a few houses down and his mom even suggests inviting Taeyong’s family over one night. Though Jaehyun instantly shoots down the idea, it lingers in his mind. He hasn’t seen Taeyong in so long, it would be nice to see how he’s doing.

So, Jaehyun gives in and walks over to Taeyong’s house, the morning of Christmas Eve. It snowed the night before, the perfect kind you always wish for as a child - just sticky enough for snowmen and snowball fights. Jaehyun doesn’t stop in front of Taeyong’s house, but he slows down and casually looks inside. He doesn’t know if he’s disappointed or relieved but he doesn’t see anyone through the windows and continues walking. He goes six more blocks down before turning back, just to make his walk less suspicious.

He plans to look again on the way back, (he promises himself he’s not a stalker, just curious if Taeyong’s changed) but something catches his attention.

On the wooden post of their front gate sits a present. It’s wrapped in newspaper with a silver ribbon tied in a curled bow and it definitely wasn’t there when he walked past the first time. That fact makes Jaehyun curious enough to walk close to get a better look. His freezes when he sees the words written in black marker on the top.

_For Jaehyun._

Jaehyun’s head snaps up, looking for someone he already knows isn’t there. There’s only a fresh set of footprints from the front door to the gate and back. Jaehyun still can’t see anyone in the windows but he knows that it’s him. It has to be. So Jaehyun takes the package, partially because he’s dying to know what’s inside and partially because he’s not cruel enough to turn down a present. Not on Christmas Eve.

As soon as he gets home he runs to his room and shuts the door behind him. For some reason, it feels like he has a secret. Jaehyun just stares at the present for almost a full minute, reading the familiar handwriting over and over. _Taeyong’s always been good at wrapping presents_ , Jaehyun muses. It’s a small thing, but he gets a wave of nostalgia for their childhood.  
Swallowing down the sudden emotions Jaehyun reaches out a carefully tears open one end of the paper. Slowly he pulls out its contents: a small notebook and a folded up piece of paper. When he opens it the paper he realizes it’s a photo. It’s the one of them at Taeyong’s graduation, Jaehyun’s arm awkwardly slung over Taeyong’s shoulder and forced smiles on both of their faces. However none of the tension is visible in the photo, they both look truly happy as if nothing had happened. It looks like it's from an alternate universe where Taeyong never dyed his hair silver and Jaehyun never went to the fateful party.

Jaehyun smooths out the picture and places it aside, turning his attention to the notebook. It’s simple, a pale yellow with a picture of two kittens, tails intertwined, on the front. Flipping through Jaehyun searches for any sort of writing inside but is disappointed when he finds it blank. He’s not sure what he expected, a love confession or a list of reasons why Taeyong hates him. Either way, he wishes there was something other than 70 pages of empty lines.

Frustrated, Jaehyun picks up both the picture and the notebook and carries them over to his bookshelf. He hides them all the way in the back and tries to forget.

Unfortunately, he’s unable to think about anything else. After going so long with no contact he’s overwhelmed. The entire time during his family’s dinner Jaehyun is distracted. It’s enough that his mom sends him up to bed early, telling him that he can’t be sick on Christmas. Even lying in bed the bookshelf seems to be screaming at him. Finally, when his clock beeps to alert him that it’s officially Christmas Day, he breaks and gets up. He pulls out the notebook and grabs a pen. Turning on his phone flashlight he writes a letter on the first page.

  
_Dear Taeyong,_

_Merry Christmas. You brought the snow with you when you came back. You always looked pretty in the snow, even back when we were kids I thought it made you look like a fairy. It’s been over a year since you kissed me and I still think about it every day. Do you regret it? Because I’m not sure I do._

Jaehyun makes himself stop then but it seems to have worked. He puts it back on the shelf and falls asleep to the thoughts of sparkling, icy crystals decorating long lashes.

~~

_11 months after_

Sungho asks Jaehyun to prom. Jaehyun says yes because they’re boyfriends now and that’s what he’s supposed to do. Every time they kiss he feels guilty but he’s good at convincing himself that he likes Sungho more than he does. The night of Jaehyun puts on his best suit, does his hair, and waits for Sungho to pick him up. Everything he's supposed to do. 

Jaehyun’s mom takes pictures of them when he arrives and coos over how cute they look. She likes Sungho, says he seems like a perfect boyfriend. Jaehyun just tries to escape as fast as he can.

Prom is overhyped, Jaehyun decides. Ten goes with Dongyoung because Johnny couldn’t come back and they take cheesy prom pictures just to make him jealous. Jaehyun dances with Sungho for a few songs before leaving to the bathroom.

He feels suffocated by the romantic atmosphere, everyone seems so in love and Jaehyun's scared that he stands out. _It’s too much. I can’t do this anymore_ , Jaehyun thinks as he stares at himself in the bathroom mirror. He’s not in love and Sungho doesn’t deserve this. But he can’t dump him at his senior prom, that’s the ultimate dick move.

So Jaehyun collects himself and goes back to dancing.

Later, when Sungho drops him off, they walk together to Jaehyun’s doorstep. There’s a moment where Jaehyun knows he’s supposed to kiss him, that’s how it is in all the movies. So he looks up at Sungho expectantly, waiting for the other to lean in.

But Sungho surprises him and just smiles sadly.

“You don’t need to fake it. I know you never were in love with me.”

Jaehyun’s mouth almost drops and he stammers for a few seconds, totally taken aback. Sungho cuts him off.

“Don’t feel bad, I had a wonderful time with you. You’re a beautiful person and whoever the boy is, I hope he’ll treat you right.”

Sungho must’ve known, it was always obvious. But Jaehyun had hoped he hadn’t been this clear.

“You were too good for me,” Jaehyun whispers before leaning in to kiss Sungho’s cheek lightly. “Thank you, really,” Jaehyun says, before turning to walk inside.

After he showers the night off of him Jaehyun lays in bed, overcome with guilt. Sungho deserved better, he deserved someone who loved him and only him. For an unexplainable reason, Jaehyun remembers the notebook, still buried in the back of his bookshelf.

Jaehyun grabs a pen, anger coursing through his body and opens to the next page.

  
_Taeyong,_

 _i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you_  
_why do i still think about you_  
_why can’t i stop_  
_all i want is to forget you_

_why do i love you???_

The words tear through the page but Jaehyun doesn’t even notice. Once he’s done he collapses back on his bed and spends the next two hours sobbing himself to sleep.

  
~~

  
_1 year after_

Ten and Dongyoung graduate and Johnny comes back for the ceremony, cheering louder than anyone for Ten.

Taeyong also comes back. He sits all the way at the other end from Jaehyun and they don’t make eye contact the entire time. He’s as pretty as always but Jaehyun doesn’t let himself linger on it. He doesn’t want to remember what happened last year.

He focuses on his graduating friends, hanging off of them as he sobs. He's a little drunk a very sad about them leaving. They just laugh but indulge him as he rambles on about how much he’ll miss them.

“I can’t believe you’re leaving me~” Jaehyun whines later that night to Ten, laying with his head in his lap. “What am I supposed to do without you? Everyone else at this school sucks.”

Mark objects at this when he realizes he’s part of the “everyone else” but Jaehyun ignores him and just pouts at Ten.

“You can actually make friends with people your own age.” Ten laughs, poking the tip of Jaehyun’s nose. “I bet some of them are cool.”

“Not as cool as you.”

“Are you flirting with me? I’m sorry but I have a boyfriend.” Ten laughs and Johnny raises his drink from the other side of the room. They dissolve into laughter then and Jaehyun almost forgets why he was upset in the first place.

~~

_15 months after_

The notes pile up as time goes on. Jaehyun starts to write them every time he can’t deal with his feelings and is dangerously tempted to call Taeyong instead. They help slightly, let him get everything off his chest.

The notes range in tone drastically.

  
_I’ve always thought you were prettier than all the stars in the sky. Every time you smiled it took my breath away._

_I wish I had never met you. My life would be perfect then. Falling in love with you was the biggest mistake I ever made._

Some are a single sentence, some several pages. Sometimes he tries to draw how beautiful Taeyong looked when he would sit in the sun or fall asleep on Jaehyun’s lap. They never seem to turn out right but Jaehyun doesn’t erase them. He doesn’t erase anything he puts into the notebook, no matter how vulnerable or embarrassing it is.

The first day of his senior year he writes a note that’s slightly different from the rest.

_Dear Taeyong,_

_I’m much older than I was when you kissed me, I’m now how old you were then. And I’m afraid to say it but I think I understand you a little better. Everything’s much more complicated now, and everything’s much less certain. I’m on the brink of a big change, home isn’t long term, attachments aren’t as permanent._

_Maybe you were scared of leaving, of letting go. So you never let yourself leap in. I’ll probably never know but I feel like it’s a little bit more clear. I wonder if one day I’ll let myself call you, maybe write a letter and actually send it._

_Anyways, what I’m trying to say I guess - maybe I was a little hard on you._

 ~~ 

One of Jaehyun’s new friends, Lucas, asks him about Taeyong one day. The others know not to bring him up but Lucas apparently didn’t get the memo.

They’re sitting at the food court in the mall one afternoon when Lucas suddenly perks up.

“Jaehyun! I was meaning to ask you, is it true you were best friends with Lee Taeyong?”

Jaehyun almost chokes on his iced tea and everyone else at the table, Mark, Jeno, and Jaemin start glancing nervously at each other. Lucas seems oblivious to the bomb he’s just dropped and just keeps smiling happily at Jaehyun. Once he stops coughing Jaehyun answers, uncomfortably running a hand through his hair.

“Yeah, kind of.”

“What does that mean?” Lucas asks. Mark is staring at Jaehyun as if waiting for him to explode and Jeno and Jaemin are pretending to be very interested in ice cream they’re eating.

“We’re not really anymore but we were close.”

Lucas opens his mouth as if to pry more but Mark, sweet Mark, saves him.

“Hey, isn’t that Renjun and Donghyuk?” And like that Lucas is distracted by the two approaching boys, waving excitedly at them instead.

Jaehyun throws Mark a grateful look and joins Lucas in welcoming the newcomers.

  
~~

_21 months after_

Jaehyun did it. When he gets a letter in the mail with a fancy seal he races to his room and slams his door shut. He throws the letter on his bed and stare as if it’s a bomb and not just a piece of paper. But what’s inside decides his entire future - or that’s what it feels like.

So after ten minutes of pacing and staring Jaehyun brings himself to open it, hands shaking. Slowly, he pulls open the envelope and peeks inside the folded paper.

_Dear Mr. Jung,_

_We are pleased to welcome you…_

That’s all he needs to go racing out of his room, waving the paper and screaming as loud as he can. The past three years of hard work have all lead to this moment, having it pay off is unbelievable.

That night, his parents take him out to a fancy dinner in celebration. It’s one of the top schools in the country, and with the added scholarship there’s plenty to be celebrated. His parents tell everyone they see from their waiter to their next-door neighbor when they get home. Jaehyun isn’t even embarrassed, it still doesn’t even feel real.

When he tells his friends they cover him in hugs. The juniors all stare at him wide-eyed, in the height of college prep they’re unmeasurably envious of him. He calls Johnny as well who is equally happy for him and promises to come to his graduation in a few months.

Jaehyun tells Taeyong as well - kind of. He does it in how he’s told Taeyong everything for the past year and a half, through the notebook.

  
_Dear Taeyong,_

_I got in!!! I can’t believe it to be honest, I’m still afraid it’s some sort of mistake. Would you be happy if you knew? I was happy for you, though I didn’t admit it then._

It’s been a while since he’s written to Taeyong, the rush of school work managed to get his mind distracted enough that he hasn’t needed it. He hasn’t really seen Taeyong since the year before’s graduation and most of his mutual friends have left. Jaehyun thinks about him less and less and when he does, he isn’t overcome with emotions anymore.

Taeyong is more of a childhood dream now, something sparklingly beautiful but always unattainable.

~~

_2 years after_

Jaehyun’s parents cry the entire way to his graduation. Jaehyun doesn’t blame them, he’s so overwhelmed he feels like crying himself. When they arrive he’s bombarded by friends hanging off of him, Ten, Johnny, and Dongyoung all back once again. He’s ushered away from them quickly by another kid in his grade to a room where they get an inspirational, slightly teary-eyed speech from their dean before preparing to join the ceremony.

Jaehyun spends the day in a daze, even when he walks up on stage to get his diploma he barely registers the loud cheers from his friends, almost tripping over his gown on the way down. He’s spent four very long years here and knowing that it’s all over is amazing and terrifying all at once. He hugs way more people than he’s friends with, even kids he hasn’t spoken to since freshman year. But it’s nice, they’ve all made it out together and he’s probably never going to see most of them again.

He spends lunch with his family, taking way too many pictures and hearing the same childhood stories he’s heard a thousand times. Relatives he barely remembers ruffle his hair and kiss his cheeks, he’s complimented on everything a million times, and when his parents share the university he’s going to it all starts over again. Jaehyun loves it.

Like every year, he goes to a party that night. This time Mark’s hosting it and Jaehyun goes with the sole intention of having as good a time as possible.

The moment he arrives he’s hoisted onto Johnny’s shoulders and paraded through the entire party, followed by a train of his friends. Everyone else is too drunk to judge them and like every year, no one cares what happens once school ends.

The party is a mad celebration of youth. The parallels to two years prior are almost scary when Jaehyun finds himself dancing with Ten, singing loudly along to the song playing despite not really knowing the words. Everything about the night is exhilarating and as typical as it sounds, Jaehyun never wants it to end. He expresses said thought to Ten who laughs and twirls him around.

“Oh Jaehyun, it all gets better than this. Just wait,” Ten yells over the music. “This is not your peak.”

~~

_Dear Taeyong,_

_I think I might stop writing to you now. Things have changed a lot. I still miss you, same as always. But I’m better now, older, wiser, I know how to stand on my own two feet without holding your hand. I hope you’re happy and maybe, one day...we can try again._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay y'all, this chapter was a monster to write for some reason but it's here now...this story is not over so dont hate me, (i did consider for like 0.3 seconds having this be the end but im not that mean) anyways, this was a transition chapter so the next will definitely have much more action 
> 
> to everyone whose left comments/kudos: i love y'all to the moon and back :')


	6. Chapter 6

University is terrifying. First of all, it’s gigantic. The campus itself feels bigger than Jaehyun’s entire hometown. He spends most of his time being lost and looking for buildings that seemingly don’t exist. Jaehyun knew everyone back home, now every face is unfamiliar and he feels constantly out of place.

But it’s not all bad. There are quite a few things that make up for the rest, Jaehyun’s roommate for example. His name is Jungwoo and Jaehyun adores him from their first meeting. He’s the physical embodiment of the word soft and Jaehyun’s heart melts every time he speaks. Jungwoo introduces him to another boy, Sicheng, who Jaehyun also grows a soft spot for instantly. Jaehyun likes (most of) his professors and eventually, he settles in. After the first few weeks, Jaehyun is able to get around without having to ask a billion people for directions and he makes friends with quite a few other students in his classes.

He’s still homesick often, he finds himself calling home almost every day and FaceTimes his friends as much as he can. Mark even scolds him for being too clingy, telling Jaehyun that he’s going to block him if he keeps calling. Despite having plenty of new friends Jaehyun misses the people he grew up with, the boys that know him inside out. It’s slightly lonely, being surrounded by casual friends and acquaintances but no real, deep connections.

One night, Jaehyun calls Johnny and shares these feelings.

“It takes time. Everyone feels this way, everyone’s trying to find their place.” Johnny tells him. “ You just need to wait and eventually you’ll find your people.”

Jaehyun takes his advice and talks to as many people as he can in order to try and find said friends. It’s a little exhausting, being constantly social, but he finds it effective. He grows steadily closer to Jungwoo and Sicheng, who introduce him to two boys in older classes, Kun and Taeil. They’re nice and they help Jaehyun figure out how to be a semi-successful adult.

Jaehyun learns how to properly feed himself (well properly enough) and how to do his own laundry. He figures out what he can get away with in which classes and what time he actually has to wake up for his Wednesday 8:30 class.  

University is terrifying but Jaehyun can handle it.

~~

Jaehyun has never really believed in fate. But when Lee Taeyong shows up on his doorstep he has no other explanation for it.

It all started when Jungwoo told Jaehyun he was inviting a few friends over. Jaehyun had thought nothing of it, he was always happy to meet new people - especially Jungwoo’s friends. Because of that, he didn’t ask Jungwoo who said friends were, it didn’t seem necessary. Now he curses himself for not investigating further.

Jungwoo texts Jaehyun the day of and tells him that he’s running late from class so his friends might arrive before he does. When there’s a knock on the door Jaehyun gets up to let them in, preparing himself for at worst holding awkward small-talk until Jungwoo arrives. Instead, when he pulls open the door he finds a shockingly familiar face.

His face is partially covered by the brim of his hat but Jaehyun recognizes him immediately. Taeyong is staring at him, frozen in shock. Jaehyun doesn’t know how to react, the situation is almost comical.

Finally, Jaehyun gathers himself together, stepping to the side. He opens the door fully and gestures for Taeyong to come in. His movements are stiff, mechanical and he’s just barely holding himself together.

“Jungwoo should be here any minute,” Jaehyun’s voice is shaky but he tries his best not to show his inner panic. “You can wait for him here.”

Taeyong is still staring at him but manages to nod and walks in, settling uncomfortably on the edge of their desk chair. Jaehyun can feel Taeyong’s eyes burning into him and straightens his back. He wants to stay and show Taeyong that he can manage to be normal around him but his thoughts aren’t in order and he needs to get out. So he brushes past Taeyong, grabs his phone off the desk, and slings his bag over his shoulder.

“I’m going to the library,” Jaehyun says, before quickly heading out. He hears Taeyong finally call after him as the door swings shut but he pretends not to hear and hurries away.

~~

“Did you know he went here?” Jaehyun calls Johnny as soon as he gets out of the dorm, not even greeting him before launching into his interrogation.

“What? Who?” Johnny sounds like he’s just woken up. “What’s going on?”

“Taeyong. Did you know he went to my university?” Jaehyun asks, frustrated.

“Wha-” Johnny cuts himself off in the middle of his word. There’s a long pause before Johnny speaks again. “Ohhhhh, I think I know what happened.”

“What?” Jaehyun asks anxiously.

“Ten mentioned to me last summer that Taeyong transferred but he never said where to.” Johnny sounds almost amused, much to Jaehyun’s annoyance. “I guess we know now.”

“Is this funny to you?” Jaehyun whines loudly, startling a girl walking in front of him. Shooting her an apologetic glance he continues in a quieter voice. “He’s friends with my roommate and just showed up at my door, what kind of bad rom-com scene is this?”

Johnny lets out a laugh now. “I swear, this is some sort of sign that you two are meant for each other. Like what are the chances?”

“It’s not funny~” Jaehyun pouts. “It was so awkward I like basically ran out of the room.”

Johnny just laughs at him so Jaehyun decides then that Johnny isn’t going to give him the proper sympathy he deserves and promptly hangs up.

~~

Jaehyun does a lot of thinking over the next few days and considers his options.

  1. He can just hope never to run into Taeyong again
  2. He can pretend like they’ve never met and hope Taeyong gets the memo
  3. He can actually talk to Taeyong and figure things out



He realizes the first option isn’t very likely because he now knows they share multiple mutual friends. So he reluctantly crosses it off the list.

The second option is what he would’ve done two years ago. It’s the safe choice, the one where he doesn’t have to actually deal with the situation at hand. But it almost makes Jaehyun feel sick. He’s tired of being angry and he’s old enough that teen angst isn’t cute anymore. So he crosses it off as well.

That leaves him with only one choice left: talking to Taeyong. Jaehyun knows it’s the mature thing to do but it’s scary. They have so much that they’ve left unsaid and whatever the conversation is, it’s not going to be an easy one. He doesn’t even know where they’d start. So, Jaehyun spends a few more days trying to think of what to say and avoiding going outside as much as possible. He tries to make a list of the things he wants to tell Taeyong, everything he had thought but never said back then. However, when he reads it over it’s embarrassingly sappy so he crumples it up and starts again.

Finally, after almost ten versions of the list Jaehyun gives up. This leads to Jungwoo finding him lying face-down on his bed groaning.

“Are you okay?” Jungwoo asks, sounding genuinely concerned for Jaehyun’s well-being.

Jaehyun replies with a pained grunt.

He feels Jungwoo sit down on the edge of his bed. “Are you sick?”

“No.” Jaehyun’s words are muffled from the fact that his face is still buried in his mattress. “I just have the worst luck in the world.”

“What happened?” Jungwoo asks, still sounding extremely worried.

“It’s a long story.”

“If I buy you coffee will you tell me?”

And because Jaehyun never says no to free food, he gives in.

Ten minutes later they’ve settled in a café nearby, empty except for another student who’s buried in their textbook and looks on the verge of falling asleep. Once they sit down Jungwoo just smiles at Jaehyun expectantly, waiting for him to spill.

And so he does.

He tells Jungwoo (almost) everything, starting from when they were little kids and ending with the encounter just the week before. The whole time Jungwoo just sits and listens, offering occasional hums of sympathy. When Jaehyun finally ends Jungwoo breathes out a quiet _“wow”_ , staring at Jaehyun wide-eyed.

“Now I feel bad for inviting him over, I had no idea you guys had a history.”

“Naw it’s fine, I was going to run into him eventually,” Jaehyun says. “I just can’t believe we followed each other even to here.”

“Yeah.” Jungwoo seems to still be in shock. “Are you going to talk to him or....?”

Jaehyun groans and presses his forehead onto the table. “I kind of have to. I just need to find the right time.”

“Do you..do you still like him?” Jungwoo asks cautiously.

“No,” Jaehyun answers.

Something about his answer doesn’t feel right but Jaehyun tries to shut down the nagging voice inside his head. He can’t still like Taeyong, feelings have to fade after a while.

It’s simple.

~~

Jaehyun’s always loved the night sky. Something about the dark gives him a rushing feeling of unlimited freedom, a high of sorts. And so, he often finds himself outside during parties. When inside gets too hot, too crowded, too loud, Jaehyun escapes out to find any spot where he can sit and see the stars.

This night, the moon is extra clear, basking the yard in a pearl colored shimmer. Jaehyun is sitting on the lawn, his pants are slightly damp from the grass but he doesn't mind. It’s familiar.

The music bleeding out from inside and the waves of voices criss-crossing through the air - they’re the same whether he’s at home or here. So Jaehyun closes his eyes, pretends he’s at Ten’s house, not some stranger’s. That he’ll head inside and find Jaemin whining to Johnny that Dongyoung won’t let him drink even though he’s only a year younger than Mark. And then Jeno will bring up that Donghyuk somehow got a drink despite being their age and it’ll all end with everyone born in 2000 getting sent home because “it’s past their bedtimes”.

He pretends that he’ll be driven home by Johnny in a few hours and sneak in through his back door despite his parents not really caring about his curfew. He’ll wake up in his bed, any hangover left from the night before greeted with the smell of waffles and the knowledge that no matter what he did, Ten probably did something more embarrassing.

Jaehyun curses himself for letting his thoughts drift to home as he’s hit with a sudden bout of homesickness. Despite there being an entire party just inside he feels unbelievably alone.

Back home, one of them would always drag Jaehyun back inside when he got lost in his head. Ten would insist he come dance with him or Mark would come join him and tell him an over-exaggerated and messy story that Jaehyun would still find hilarious.

Now he’s been sitting alone for way too long but no one’s come to get him and Jaehyun’s not back home, he’s here, surrounded by strange people and fancy buildings.

Here, everyone’s trying to be someone, do something, go somewhere, and Jaehyun feels like if he stops to catch his breath he’ll be left in the dust. Jaehyun feels like he doesn’t deserve to be here. He feels like he’s just faking it, pretending to be smart, pretending to be popular. So he’s left without anyone who actually knows him.

As if answering his thoughts, he suddenly hears someone walking up behind him. Jaehyun doesn’t need to turn to see who it is, he knows just from the footsteps. Jaehyun’s heart rate quickens as _he_ gets closer.

“Hey.” Taeyong’s voice still has the same effect on Jaehyun. “Can I join you?”

Jaehyun nods, patting the ground beside him. “Be warned - it’s pretty wet.”

Taeyong sits down next to him, adjusting his limbs into a somewhat comfortable position. Now sitting side-by-side it’s obvious how much Jaehyun’s grown. He used to shorter and smaller than Taeyong, now he’s filled out and shot up over the older boy. It’s weird, Jaehyun’s not sure how he feels about it. Taeyong seems to have noticed the change too.

“You’ve grown a lot.”

“It’s been a long time.” Jaehyun’s not exactly hostile but there’s an edge to his voice. He sees Taeyong stiffen slightly and gets a small flash of guilt.

“Yeah,” Taeyong mutters uncomfortably. They settle into a tension-filled silence, neither knowing how to start or even what to say if they did. Jaehyun’s too aware of Taeyong being so close. He still smells the same, Jaehyun notes before scolding himself for being so creepy. Jaehyun feels like he’s on fire and finally, it gets too much - he has to say something.

“Taeyong-”

“I’m-” They both start at the same time, cutting each other off.

“Oh sorry, you go first,” Jaehyun says.

Taeyong takes a deep breath, avoiding eye contact and nervously playing with his fingers. He’s obviously terrified and Jaehyun can’t help but reach out and place a hand on his shoulder.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Jaehyun says, smiling. “You can say whatever it is.”

Taeyong looks up at him, still unsure but nods.

“I guess,” Taeyong pauses, collecting himself. “I’m sorry.” He glances over at Jaehyun as if trying to gauge his reaction. Jaehyun just stares back at him, wanting to hear what’s coming next.

“I’m sorry that I was so terrible to you. You didn’t deserve any of it.” Taeyong seems to have broken through and starts talking with more confidence. “I’m sorry that I ruined our friendship and I know you probably hate me - no you should hate me, and I’m sorry-”

“I don’t hate you, not anymore.” Jaehyun buts in then, not able to take any more. “I did for a while but I moved on and I got older and things made more sense to me. You weren’t a bad person you were a kid, we both were. We did stupid things and made dumb decisions but we were _kids_.”

“You don’t hate me?” Taeyong seems to be shocked by this. “Even after everything I did?”

“Taeyong, I’m over it now, I’m not going to hold onto something that happened years ago. And besides,” Jaehyun’s voice catches slightly and he stops to take a deep breath. “You were my best friend, even when I hated you the most I still loved you.”

Taeyong doesn’t say anything, seemingly thinking everything over in his head. Jaehyun doesn’t mind, he feels almost elated to finally have gotten his thoughts off his chest. The night is warm and Jaehyun suddenly feels tired.

He lets his eyes flutter shut, not to fall asleep, just to relax. There’s a slight breeze and Jaehyun can hear yells from inside. He’s content.

However, as his breaths start to slow he realizes that maybe he is going to fall asleep. Knowing he’ll be miserable waking up on someone’s front lawn in the morning he forces himself to open his eyes and straighten up. Turning to Taeyong he opens his mouth to tell him he’s leaving but is stunned into silence. Taeyong is looking forward, profile highlighted in the pale moonlight. The silver falls over his dark lashes and darts through his dark hair. He almost sparkles. Jaehyun's almost forgetten how beautiful Taeyong is. It's moments like these where he can't believe he was lucky enough to know someone like this. 

Taeyong seems to notice Jaehyun's movement and turns to face him, surprised to find Jaehyun looking back.

“What is it?” Taeyong asks, confused.

“Nothing,” Jaehyun answers, shaking his head. _You’re just pretty._ “I think I’m going back to my dorm, I’m exhausted.”

“Oh, okay,” Taeyong sounds slightly disappointed. He takes a breath before nervously looking back up at Jaehyun. “Can we talk again sometime?” Taeyong’s voice is unsure, he seems scared of Jaehyun’s answer.

“Yeah,” Jaehyun pauses. “Yeah, we can.”

Taeyong breaks into a bright smile, a smile Jaehyun’s missed. It’s still slightly cautious, but there’s hope - a hope that reflects in a small flutter in Jaehyun’s chest. They haven’t figured everything out but it’s a start.

~~

Ten thinks Jaehyun’s crazy.

“You’re doing WHAT?”

“I’m having lunch with him. Other people are going to be there - calm down.” Jaehyun rolls his eyes at Ten’s overreaction.

“Why? Don’t you hate him?” Ten asks, mind blown. “You spent like three years straight crying over him.”

“Hey,” Jaehyun protests. “I wasn’t _that_ pathetic. And I don’t hate him anymore, I’m not that petty.”

“Whatever, if he breaks your heart again don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

Jaehyun appreciates the concern but he’s unsettled by Ten’s assumption that he’d go back to a place where Taeyong could break his heart.

Mark, on the other hand, is all for it.

“Oh! I always hoped you two would work it out.” Mark says excitedly when he finds out. “Jaemin says that if you guys get married he wants to be the flower boy.”

“Woah, who said anything about marriage? We’re not even friends again.” Jaehyun explains, taken aback.

Mark ignores all of Jaehyun’s arguments, instead asking if he can be the best man. 

Jaehyun decides his friends are just weird.

~~

Jaehyun slowly accepts Taeyong as a part of his newly-formed friend group. They even hang out together occasionally, though always with other people around. They end up explaining to their friends that they went to the same school and knew each other from there. They don’t say how close they were or what happened between them. That’s dangerous territory.

Despite having kind of talked about what happened, they’re not back to what they once were. It’s slightly strange and Jaehyun’s not exactly sure how to classify it.

They’re not quite friends. There’s an awkwardness that surrounds every interaction. It prevents them from ever hanging out one-on-one or even having private conversations. But there’s also the history that they have with each other that separates them from just being acquaintances. 

Jaehyun finds being around Taeyong again exhausting, however. Every time he’s with Taeyong he has to fight himself. He can’t help but to be drawn to Taeyong, to want to sit next to him, to want to throw an arm over his shoulder or to grab his hand. Jaehyun doesn’t even know why he feels such a need to be close to Taeyong. He guesses it has to do with the fact that they grew up attached at the waist and he was raised to want to be with Taeyong. But it’s annoying and he wants it to stop.

He knows Taeyong is trying hard to be good around him as well. Jaehyun can feel Taeyong staring at him whenever they’re together, his gaze charged, full of _something_. Jaehyun’s sure that Taeyong is going through the same struggle as him. Taeyong keeps his distance, never getting too close but never straying too far. It’s a delicate balance that they’re both desperately trying to keep.

Sometimes they find themselves at the same parties. Those are always the hardest because when Jaehyun’s slightly drunk, his self-control is lessened. He drifts closer to Taeyong, lets his stares be obvious and doesn’t look away when Taeyong meets them. Each look is a question, an invitation. But they both know it can’t be answered.

Occasionally the tension almost snaps. Especially when Jaehyun dances with someone, wraps his arms around another boy’s waist and lets them press up close. Whenever that happens, Taeyong is glued to him. He’ll never do anything but he’ll watch, eyes dark and mouth set. When he’s tipsy and not thinking straight, Jaehyun likes it. He likes that he has an effect on Taeyong, likes it even though he doesn't want to think about what it means.

Because when it's night and he doesn’t have to consider consequences, Jaehyun pushes the balance, he toes the line. He looks directly at Taeyong as pretty boys cover him in marks and dares him to do something. He asks him with his eyes, _will you?_ And Taeyong just looks, holds himself back. As much as Jaehyun teases, Taeyong doesn’t give in.

They’re dancing an intricate dance and Jaehyun’s not sure who’s leading.

~~

Jungwoo finally asks the fatal question one night. The two are studying, well at least attempting to, when Jungwoo slams his book shut and turns to Jaehyun.

“Okay, I have to know. What’s going on with you and Taeyong?”

Jaehyun looks up, startled. “Nothing? Why?”

“I think he still likes you.”

“Who said he liked me in the first place?” Jaehyun asks, trying to deflect the true meaning of what Jungwoo said.

“He kissed you,” Jungwoo says as if it was that simple.

“So what,” Jaehyun ignores how fast his heart is beating. “I’ve kissed plenty of people.”

“Would you kiss me?” Jungwoo asks, suddenly moving forward. Jaehyun instantly backs up, surprised.

“No! I mean, you’re great and all but I don’t like you like that.” Jaehyun rushes out.

“Exactly. Why would he kiss his friend if he didn’t feel something for them?” Jungwoo says as if it’s the most basic thing in the world. “Besides, even if he didn’t, he does now.”

“We don’t know that,” Jaehyun lies.

He knows there’s something there. He’s been ignoring it but it’s obvious. It’s the reason he can play with Taeyong and the reason every interaction feels charged.

“Okay, but _if_ he did, would you ever date him?” Jungwoo pushes.

Jaehyun hesitates. He wants to say no but he can’t. Because he’s always been in love with Taeyong and as much as he ignores his feelings they still exist.

“I…I don’t know,” Jaehyun answers truthfully. “I just got him back in my life, it’s too soon to think about anything more.”

“Of course, I understand.” And Jungwoo, being the sweetheart that he is, drops it. “You want to go get food? I'll pay.”

Jaehyun thanks whatever person assigned the roommates because he definitely lucked out.

~~

Taeyong texts Jaehyun at 12:28 AM.

_can you talk?_

Jaehyun’s lying on his computer, wasting time when the text arrives. He quickly sends a quick “yes”, already nervous for whatever conversation is coming.

Taeyong responds exactly three minutes later.

_meet me at the café?_

And that’s how Jaehyun ends up in a dimly lit 24-hour café with Taeyong in the middle of the night.

When he gets there Taeyong is sitting all the way in the back, facing away from the door. Jaehyun hurries over, sliding into the booth. Taeyong looks up when Jaehyun sits down, smiling shyly.

“Do you want something to drink?” Taeyong asks. “I already had something earlier, sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Jaehyun says. “I’m not craving anything right now.”

“Okay.” Taeyong nibbles anxiously on his nail, a habit he’s had since he was young.

“You should stop doing that,” Jaehyun comments. “It’s a bad habit.” He instinctively reaches out and lightly pulls Taeyong’s hand down.

“I only do it when I’m nervous,” Taeyong says. Jaehyun realizes he’s still holding Taeyong’s wrist and quickly pulls back his hand awkwardly.

“What did you want to talk to me about?” Jaehyun asks. His heart is threatening to beat out of his chest, wanting to know what Taeyong has to say.

Taeyong’s eyes were fixed on the table but they finally flick up to meet Jaehyun’s.

“I feel like I still have more to say to you.”

Jaehyun doesn’t move, frozen in anticipation.

“I apologized but I never explained,” Taeyong says. “You deserve to know why I did what I did.”

“Okay,” Jaehyun says, almost a whisper.

“Back then, when we were younger I liked you. A lot. Do you remember when I asked you if you’d ever been in love?”

Jaehyun nods.

“Well, it’s because I wanted to know if you liked me back. I didn’t think you did so I convinced myself to get over it. But then you kept saying _things_ and I had no idea what to do.” Taeyong stops to collect himself before going on. “That time I came over crying in the middle of the night, I had just applied for university. And it...it really sank it that I was leaving.”

_Ohhhh_. Everything clicks in Jaehyun’s mind. “That was right before…” He trials off uncomfortably.

“Yeah...it kind of triggered a sort of panic in my mind. I realized that in a year I wouldn’t have you anymore so I didn’t know what to do. That night, the night I, you know, the night I kissed you.” Taeyong finally mumbles out. “I guess I felt like I had to do something about what I felt before I lost my chance. But then I panicked even more and I ran away.”

Jaehyun winces at the memory, the feeling of confusion, the days spent wondering what he did wrong.

“I realized I had ruined everything and I couldn’t face you. I felt like I didn’t deserve you, that for your good I should let you go.” Taeyong takes a broken breath and Jaehyun suddenly realizes he’s crying slightly. “But I was selfish and I couldn’t do it. So instead I was just terrible to you.”

Jaehyun gets up and moves over to Taeyong’s side of the table, his instincts telling him to comfort Taeyong.

“I’m so sorry.” Taeyong whispers, finally breaking and letting the tears flow out. Jaehyun doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t know how to register everything Taeyong’s just said. But he still holds Taeyong, stroking his hair softly. He wraps his arms around Taeyong as the waves of tears rack his body and tries to keep the boy from falling apart.

They stay there for what feels like forever, Taeyong whispering “I’m sorry” like a broken record.  Taeyong feels so small in his arms and Jaehyun wants to tell him that he doesn't have to apologize anymore. But the words don't come out so he just presses soft kisses to Taeyong’s hair, each one saying _it’s okay._ When Taeyong eventually stops crying Jaehyun doesn't let go. Because he's afraid if he does, Taeyong will run away. 

And this time, Jaehyun thinks maybe they can make it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okayyyyy here we gooooo
> 
> im sorry this chapter took a little longer than usual - i've been SWAMPED with work :((( but anyways, i've figured out how this will end and i'm super excited for it!!
> 
> leave thoughts/opinions below, i love hearing what y'all think!! 
> 
> also a huge thank you to everyone who's been supporting me and this story - i appreciate y'all so so so much <333


	7. Chapter 7

After Jaehyun drops Taeyong off at his dorm he doesn’t go straight back to his own. His mind is too full of thoughts to sleep and he doesn’t want to wake up Jungwoo who’s most likely already in bed. Instead, he goes to the one 24 hour library on campus. It’s almost empty and the few students there look so tired they’re basically not there at all. 

Jaehyun settles on the second floor, claiming one of his favorite armchairs all the way in the back. He tries to organize his thoughts, register everything Taeyong had said. But he’s only able to circle around and around. _Taeyong liked him, Taeyong didn’t mean to hurt him, Taeyong actually wanted to kiss him._

Jaehyun ends up falling asleep in the library. He dreams about a party, a party where a pretty boy kisses him. But this time, they don’t run away. 

~~

They take baby steps. 

They don’t fall back into best friend territory just yet, but they start working to improve their relationship. It’s simple things, sitting next to each other when out with friends, exchanging their new phone numbers and texting casually, and occasionally even grabbing coffee one-on-one. 

Jaehyun finds that Taeyong has changed. Not dramatically - at his core, he’s still the same boy Jaehyun grew up with - but he’s developed new traits. He’s more confident, smiles brighter, stands a little bit taller, and most of all - he’s not afraid. Jaehyun’s always thought Taeyong was beautiful but now, he’s even more breathtaking than before. 

Jaehyun also learns something new: everyone else on campus thinks Taeyong is just as gorgeous as he does. This realization comes with a heavy dollop of jealousy on top. Jaehyun never had to fight over Taeyong when they were growing up. He was Taeyong’s and Taeyong was his. It was an unspoken agreement that everyone in the school understood. But now, he has no claim over Taeyong, most people don’t even realize the extent of their friendship. 

Jaehyun has to figure out how to deal with this newfound jealousy. It’s not that he wants Taeyong to be _his_ in a romantic sense - that’s a concept that’s too stressful to think about. Instead, he just hates that everyone else seems to be closer to Taeyong than him. He watches with green tinted eyes as Taeyong slings an easy arm around Sicheng’s shoulders or leans into Taeil’s side when he’s tired. It’s the small moments that used to be reserved for Jaehyun. Now, he has to adjust to the fact that he’s not Taeyong’s #1 anymore. 

Taeyong is still cautious around him, careful not to be too touchy or invade his space unnecessarily. If he’s cold he won’t beg Jaehyun for his jacket like he used to, if he’s worn out from a long day he’ll choose someone else to ask for a hug, seemingly anyone who isn’t Jaehyun. 

Jaehyun understands. They’ve been through so much and it's impossible to fall back into patterns from years ago. Additionally, with the confession that he used to like Jaehyun and that the feelings were mutual, there’s a new edge to their friendship that hadn’t been there before. So Jaehyun knows why Taeyong tries to respect their space. It still drives him crazy though.

Jaehyun has always felt an internal obligation to protect Taeyong. Despite the fact that it often was the other way around, Jaehyun always tried to take care of Taeyong the best he could. So when Taeyong gets sick or has a rough exam, it takes all of Jaehyun’s willpower to just watch as the others comfort him. The most Taeyong will let him in for is a side hug. They talk, they just don’t touch or delve any deeper than small talk or jokes. Taeyong’s built up a fence and Jaehyun has a long way to go until it comes down.

Jaehyun has faith though. The more they talk, the more they form a new friendship. Built on the foundation of the old one but this time with a stronger outline and better support. 

As they go on, Taeyong is still reserved with his touches but he opens up more and more. He starts to smile at Jaehyun with his easy natural smile - the kind the makes Jaehyun’s chest clench up and feel like he’s falling all over again. He relearns their patterns, how they joke and remembers just how easy it was to talk to Taeyong in the first place. They lost the friendship but the natural chemistry never went away. 

It’s slow but they’re moving forward so that’s all that matters. 

~~

Jaehyun comes back to find Taeyong sitting on his bed lazily scrolling through his phone. When Jaehyun closes the door Taeyong looks up, smiling brightly. 

“What’s up?” Jaehyun says, throwing his backpack on the floor and flopping onto the desk chair. “Is Jungwoo here?” 

It’s normal for Taeyong to come over now. He’s good friends with Jungwoo and their room is one of the nicer ones, making it a popular destination. So Jaehyun has gotten used to finding Taeyong lounging about his dorm. 

“Nope, he’s got class,” Taeyong says, looking down almost shyly.

“Then why-” Jaehyun cuts himself off, confused. _Is Taeyong here for him?_

“I have something I want to show you.” Taeyong seems embarrassed and quickly turns to his backpack. He rummages around for a second before pulling out a large book. He pats the bed beside him, surprising Jaehyun. “Come here.” 

Jaehyun hurries over and settles beside Taeyong, excited to see what he’s going to show him. When he sits down Taeyong’s side ends up pressed up against his. It’s incredibly distracting but Jaehyun tries to ignore the butterflies that pop up. He has to be cool.  

Taeyong opens up the book. Written on the first page are large messy block letters: OPEN IN 100 YEARS!!!! 

Jaehyun lets out a surprised laugh, recognizing what it is. When they were children they decided to make a time capsule - as most children do. However, neither of their parents sacrificed their lawn for the actual digging so they settled for filling a scrapbook with their “legacy”. (Taeyong said it was much cooler than a dumb box anyways) 

“God, I can’t believe you still have this,” Jaehyun says, looking in amazement. “How long ago did we even make this?” 

“I think I was like 11,” Taeyong laughs “My mom brought it up with her and I just only found it under my bed. I thought you’d like to see it.” 

“Yeah totally! I don’t even remember what I put in it.” Jaehyun reaches out and pulls the scrapbook over so it’s half on each of their laps. Careful not to rip the pages, he starts to flip through. 

It starts with pictures of the two of them, accompanied by stories of their “great adventures”. Jaehyun can help but laugh as he reads one written by Taeyong, starring the wonder Prince Jaehyun who saved the entire world from a ferocious monster. 

“I can’t believe I saved the world when I was only 9 years old,” Jaehyun says, smiling fondly. 

“Back then, I thought you did,” Taeyong’s smile is full of nostalgia and Jaehyun coughs awkwardly. He looks back to the book, turning to the next page and not lingering on Taeyong’s words. 

They sit side by side for almost an hour, reading over the pages and laughing at the messily taped in drawings and photos. It’s nice. Banter flows freely and it’s like they’ve been transported back to when they made it. Half way through, they find a picture of the two of them at the beach, sunburned and covered in chocolate ice cream. Jaehyun remembers the day clearly and excitedly turns to Taeyong. 

“Don’t you remember this? You dared me to swim out as far as I could-” 

Taeyong cuts him off, cringing. “Oh don’t remind me.”

Jaehyun had gone out all the way to the big waves and in his determination to impress Taeyong, he had gone much further than he should’ve. It ended with Taeyong having to swim out and pull his flailing limbs back to shore. Taeyong had cried for half an hour because he felt so bad. But, they were both treated to two ice cream cones after the traumatic experience and it became one of their biggest childhood memories. 

“It really terrified me,” Taeyong whines. “I had nightmares for like a month about you drowning.” 

Jaehyun smiles fondly. “Aww, that’s kind of adorable you have to admit.” 

“Yeah, yeah,” Taeyong looks down but Jaehyun can see his flushed cheeks. “It was my responsibility to take care of you. I took it very seriously.” 

Jaehyun’s throat suddenly feels tight. They haven’t really spoken about their old friendship and how much they had loved each other. The topic always feels slightly risky. Taeyong’s one comment has shifted the mood entirely, suddenly the bright atmosphere has disappeared. 

“Well, I’m still here so I think you did a pretty good job.” Jaehyun jokes, trying to ease the tension. Taeyong doesn’t laugh but looks up at him, eyes surprisingly sad. 

“I’m not so sure I did.” Taeyong’s voice is so small and so _fragile_ , Jaehyun feels an overwhelming need to hug him. But he doesn’t know whether that would be overstepping the boundaries they have now. So he settles for gently wrapping his arm around Taeyong’s shoulder, pulling him slightly closer. He hates hearing Taeyong be so hard on himself and especially for this. So he looks Taeyong right in his eyes, determined to make sure he understands how much he means his next words.

“You saved me more than just once.” Jaehyun wishes he could tell Taeyong just how much he had depended on him back then, how much he had trusted him. It’s impossible to put his gratitude into words. No matter how much Taeyong hurt him, it doesn’t erase everything he had done before. One bad mistake doesn’t ruin years of a brilliant friendship.

But when Taeyong shuts down and goes back to flipping through the scrapbook, ignoring Jaehyun’s sincerity, Jaehyun is left wondering if maybe that’s not true. 

So he moves on from their brief moment of vulnerability. Because something is better than nothing. 

~~

Jaehyun thinks there’s something about the night that gives Taeyong the bravery to do things he otherwise wouldn’t. Because after weeks of slow, crawling progression in their relationship, things take a huge leap.

It all starts when Minjoon, a friendly acquaintance of his, invites Jaehyun over one evening. It’s a relatively small party, the music isn’t deafening for once and there’s actually enough room in the apartment for personal space. Jaehyun ends up in the kitchen, having run into Hyunwoo, a boy who lives on his floor. As they talk, Jaehyun can feel the Hyunwoo’s eyes on him and he realizes the gaze isn’t innocent. There’s definitely tension that wasn’t there before and when their eyes meet, Jaehyun can tell Hyunwoo knows too. 

But Jaehyun doesn’t feel excited by this, instead, he almost feels sick. Something doesn’t feel right. Hyunwoo is hot, there’s no denying that. However, Jaehyun feels no attraction towards him past the aesthetic observation. So Jaehyun slowly slips out of the conversation, making up a dumb excuse they both know is a lie. 

Jaehyun quickly hurries out of the kitchen, bumping into someone as he does so. When he turns to apologize he realizes that the person he bumped into is Taeyong, looking slightly drunk and very unhappy.

“Hey, what’s going on?” Jaehyun asks, smiling at Taeyong. “I didn’t know you were here.”

“Obviously,” Taeyong mutters “You definitely seemed busy.” He seems to be sulking almost and Jaehyun almost laughs at how childish he looks. He’s uncharacteristically easy to read right now, the walls he usually keeps up around Jaehyun have disappeared.

“Well, I’m not anymore, want to come with me?” Jaehyun says, gesturing towards the living room. 

Taeyong nods, still pouting and follows Jaehyun to the living room where they sit down on a windowsill off to the side.

Neither of them speaks and Jaehyun takes the moment to just look at Taeyong. 

Taeyong’s obviously tipsy, his cheeks are tinted red from the alcohol and the darkness of his hair brings out the sharp contrast of colors on his skin. It’s cute though, his flushed cheeks and messy hair are almost flattering. Jaehyun lets his eyes wander down Taeyong’s neck, lingering on the thin black choker before dipping down to his collarbones, exposed by the loose neckline of his shirt. 

Taeyong’s always been pretty, he’s always been beautiful. But now, with his milky skin and coal-smudged eyes, Jaehyun’s feeling something different. 

Taeyong senses Jaehyun’s interest and turns to meet his gaze. When he sees the intensity of Jaehyun’s look, he raises an eyebrow teasingly. 

“Like what you see?” Taeyong’s voice is casual but there’s an underlying charge to the question. 

“Always,” Jaehyun says without thinking. “I like the choker, it suits you.” 

“You don’t look too shabby yourself.” Taeyong smirks, leaning just the tiniest bit closer. “You’ve grown up well.” 

Jaehyun nervously runs his tongue over his teeth, suddenly realizing what they’re doing. He wants to keep going, keep pushing the lines, but a tiny voice in the back of his head is telling just how bad of an idea it is. He shouldn’t do something that they might end up regretting.

But the look in Taeyong’s eyes is too much to resist. So, against his better judgement, Jaehyun leans in as well. Every inch of his body is on fire but he loves it. It’s been so long since he’s felt this much of anything for anyone. 

Taeyong breaks into a full smile when he sees Jaehyun give in. He brings a slender hand up to Jaehyun’s hair, twirling a strand between his fingers. 

“You’ve dyed your hair. I like it.” Jaehyun melts into Taeyong’s hand as he plays with his hair. He can’t help - he’s always loved the feeling. 

“I felt like doing something new,” Jaehyun says, voice embarrassingly weak. He clears his throat before continuing. “Also, my ex said I shouldn't, I didn’t feel like listening.” 

Taeyong’s hand pauses for a second before continuing, sliding his hand to the nape of Jaehyun’s neck. It’s almost possessive and Jaehyun’s heart starts beating double time.

“Well screw him, I think it looks great,” Taeyong’s voice is bordering on a growl and Jaehyun knows he must be beet red. This side of Taeyong is overwhelming, it drives him crazy. 

“Don’t worry, I never cared what he thought anyway,” Jaehyun says. 

“Good.”

Jaehyun wants to ask why Taeyong cares despite knowing the answer. He’s confused, confused as to why all of a sudden Taeyong is so forward, and why he’s waited so long to make a move. But he also doesn’t want to break the moment and ruin everything. Every interaction with Taeyong is like walking on a tightrope - any wrong move and he could fall all the way down. 

Taeyong’s hand drifts from Jaehyun’s neck down his arm, wrapping around his bicep. His fingers are icy cold on Jaehyun’s burning bare skin and Jaehyun loses his breath for a second at the contact. Taeyong seems to notice the effect and tightens his grip just slightly. 

“Can I tell you a secret?” Taeyong asks. Jaehyun nods, not trusting his current state to form a coherent sentence.    
Taeyong leans even closer and when he speaks again his lips just barely brush against the shell of Jaehyun’s ear. 

“I really want to kiss you right now.” The words sending a shiver down Jaehyun’s spine and he stays frozen in place. Taeyong lets out a breath before going on. “Unfortunately I’m a little too drunk for that.” 

A soft pair of lips is pressed right behind his ear before three last words are whispered.

“Wait for me.”

And like that, Taeyong’s gone. Jaehyun is left recovering, staring after the beautiful but unattainable boy. 

But it doesn’t feel like running away this time - just a promise left for another time. 

~~

They don’t talk about it the next day, or the day after that, or the day after that. In fact, they don’t talk about it at all. 

But that doesn’t mean Jaehyun doesn’t think about it. He spends every night tossing and turning in bed at the memory of Taeyong’s words. And every time they’re together he can’t look at the other boy without thinking about that party. 

He’s sure Taeyong is thinking about it too. He catches Taeyong’s eyes lingering on his lips too often to be a coincidence and he’s seemed to have gotten over his fear of skinship with Jaehyun. Now he practically clings to him, linking arms while they walk and greeting him with a hug every time. Despite Jaehyun’s fears, their friendship seems to be blooming even more from the interaction. 

Jungwoo notices this too. 

“Are you guys...you know?” He asks Jaehyun one night. Jaehyun rolls his eyes at the question, ignoring how fast his heart is beating. 

“No, we’re not fucking if that’s what you’re asking.”

Jungwoo blushes at Jaehyun’s crude answer. “I just thought, well, you guys are just so close all of a sudden,” He stammers out. 

“Nope, we’re just friends,” Jaehyun says, before hesitating for a second. “I mean, he did say he wanted to kiss me but he was pretty drunk at the time.” 

Jungwoo perks up immediately. “So I was kind of right!” 

“I mean, we didn’t actually kiss or anything,” Jaehyun says, laughing. “But yeah, it is some sort of development I guess.” 

“Just you wait,” Jungwoo says excitedly. “I know soon enough it’ll come true.” 

Jaehyun brushes him off but when they get lunch with Taeyong the next day he can’t ignore the signs. Despite there being three other friends with them, they spend almost the entire time lost in the own little world. They sit together in the back of the booth and their old effortless chemistry shines through. 

Jaehyun also notices how every touch lasts just a little bit longer than usual. Taeyong grabbing his hand to pull him over to the drink fountain, fixing his collar for him, throwing an arm around his shoulder when they sit down. It’s the kinds of things all friends do, but with them it’s different. That’s how they’ve always been: everything best friends should be with just a little bit more. 

So, as Jaehyun meets Taeyong’s eyes this time, he doesn’t look away. Because he’s tired of being afraid. 

He’s ready for the something more.    
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay y'all, this is shorter than usual but im going away for a bit so i wanted to at least get something out even if it's not as long as the rest! (i won't be away for too long - don't worry) 
> 
> we're going places with them (finally) so lets all wait and see whats going to happen ;) 
> 
> thank you to everyone who comments / leaves kudos - i know i always say it but you guys really mean the world to me and make my day every time! <3333


	8. Chapter 8

_ Wait for me. _

Jaehyun mindlessly traces the words on the table, zoning out from the heated conversation the other boys are taking part in. Lazily, he lets out a breath and settles his head onto his hand. He had spent the entire night working on a paper that he just barely made the deadline for. Despite his three cups of coffee that morning, he’s still slightly out of it. 

Jaehyun’s eyelids start to drift shut drawing him towards the tantalizing option of just falling asleep in the middle of lunch. As attractive as it is he forces himself to wake up, shaking his head and straightening up. 

He tries to tune back into the conversation, turning back to the center of the table. When he looks across the table he finds Taeyong staring at him, brows slightly furrowed. When they make eye contact Taeyong leans across the table. 

“You okay?” Taeyong asks quietly. “Do you want to leave?” 

Jaehyun considers the options and quickly decides that anything that involves being alone with Taeyong is ten times more exciting than whatever else he could do instead. So he nods and starts to gather his stuff. 

“Hey, I’m not feeling too well so Jaehyun’s going to take me back to my dorm. Sorry guys.” Taeyong says. Jaehyun looks up, surprised. Taeyong glances over and sends him a reassuring smile before turning back to the others. 

“I’ll see you guys later!” Taeyong says, grabbing his bag and standing up. Jaehyun follows his lead and stands up as well. Their friends say their goodbyes and the two leave the café. 

Once they get outside Taeyong grabs Jaehyun’s shoulder and gently turns him to face him. 

“Are you okay?” 

Jaehyun nods, ignoring how fast his heart is beating. 

“I didn’t get much sleep last night, that’s all.” 

Taeyong doesn’t seem convinced and doesn’t let go of his shoulder.

“Is that all?” 

Jaehyun opens his mouth, intending to brush off Taeyong’s concerns but he realizes that maybe it’s not all that true. He pauses, trying to figure out exactly what he’s feeling. It’s not just one missed night of sleep, but a collection of things that have been building subconsciously. 

“I-I don’t know.” He says truthfully. “I guess it’s just the usual stress and homesickness probably. You don’t have to worry, I can deal.” 

Taeyong seems happy that he’s talking and rolls his eyes playfully. 

“Worrying about you is the only thing I’m good at.” Taeyong moves his hand from Jaehyun’s shoulder and instead wraps his arm around Jaehyun. “C’mon, let’s go back to mine.”

They walk the rest of the way almost in silence, Jaehyun letting himself be led by Taeyong’s guiding arm. The onset of winter has brought with it a biting chill, giving him another excuse to curl into Taeyong. He’s too tired to hold a proper conversation and appreciates Taeyong’s ability to recognize this. 

Once they get back to Taeyong’s dorm Jaehyun immediately crashes face first onto the bed.

He hears Taeyong laugh and turns his head so he can glare at the other boy.

“Don’t laugh at me,” Jaehyun pouts. Taeyong just laughs more, sitting down next to Jaehyun’s feet. 

“You’re all grown up but you still act like a child,” Taeyong says, patting Jaehyun’s leg.

Jaehyun lets out a noise of protest. “You’re one to talk,” He grumbles. “If I wasn’t so tired I’d hit you. You should count yourself lucky that I have no strength left.” 

Taeyong doesn’t respond but just smiles back at him. Taeyong’s expression has so much fondness that Jaehyun feels his heart clench up and he has to turn away to hide his blush. He smashes his face back into the bed and tries to ignore the overwhelming emotion welling up in his chest. 

Jaehyun ends up falling asleep on Taeyong’s bed, face pressed into the pillow and a smile still on his face.  

~~

The break of classes for the holidays is all too welcome for Jaehyun. Jaehyun manages to get through his finals without too many breakdowns and ends up feeling good about (most of) them. 

He goes out with his friends to celebrate the night after their last test. They end up at a party of a senior Kun knows and Jaehyun spends the night dancing. He flits from partner to partner, never lasting too long to get serious. It’s not a conscious decision but he realizes at the end of the night that he never even thought about flirting with anyone. And when he finds himself curled up on an old couch with Taeyong, things seem to be making sense. 

Taeyong’s head is resting in his lap, their hands loosely intertwined. It’s comfortable, Taeyong playing with Jaehyun’s fingers and Jaehyun absent mindedly twirling Taeyong’s hair. There’s no tension anymore. The conversation is light and floaty - it’s easy in a way they haven’t been able to be in a long time. 

During a lull in their conversation, Jaehyun finds himself reflecting on their relationship. He’s always known they were meant to be together in some form or another. Best friend or not, Taeyong has been the one constant in his life. He’s the person that Jaehyun can disappear into another world with, the person that Jaehyun just clicks with. Through every moment in his life, his feelings towards Taeyong have been overwhelming - whether through love or hatred. 

Now, sitting here in the middle of a college party surrounded by drunk students, Jaehyun realizes something. His happiness is not dependent on Taeyong, but if he were asked to describe his perfect life, it would have to include him. So, why is he hesitating? Why is he holding back from being the happiest he could be? 

A tap on his nose snaps him out of his thoughts. Jaehyun looks down to find Taeyong staring up at him with a bright smile.

“What are you thinking about?” Taeyong asks. 

Jaehyun doesn’t answer, instead letting his free hand come up to the side of Taeyong’s face. He traces the edge of Taeyong’s ear with his thumb, lingering to play with the multiple metal piercings littered along the curve. 

“Who gave you permission to be this pretty?” Jaehyun says, almost more to himself than to Taeyong. “It’s really not fair.”

Taeyong chuckles, his smile breaking out even wider. “I could say the same right back to you.” 

Jaehyun rolls his eyes. The idea of anyone, including himself, ever being comparable to Taeyong is a joke in his opinion. But he takes the compliment anyway, he’ll admit it sounds nice coming from Taeyong. 

He moves his hand to trace the gentle swoop of Taeyong’s bottom lip. He feels Taeyong shiver at the contact and part his lips slightly. They make eye contact and Jaehyun feels a suffocating longing take over him. Taeyong’s eyes are full of surprise at Jaehyun’s move and they both seem to be holding their breath. Suddenly the tension is back in full force. Jaehyun presses the pad of his thumb onto the center of Taeyong’s lip - just ever so slightly. The pink skin is silky smooth and Jaehyun can’t help but imagine how it would feel against his own lips. 

And because he has no justification for holding back anymore, he speaks what he’s thinking.

“I really want to kiss you right now.” Jaehyun whispers, reusing Taeyong’s line. 

There’s a moment where Taeyong registers what Jaehyun just said. The shared gaze shifts in tone. The words that had just been teased before, expressed in feathery touches and secretive looks - they’re now out in the open. Taeyong slowly pushes off of Jaehyun’s lap so that he’s sitting upright without breaking the eye contact. 

Jaehyun still can’t breathe, he’s lost in Taeyong’s eyes, in the outline of Taeyong’s lips, he’s lost in _Taeyong_. It’s almost frightening. 

“Are you drunk?” Taeyong’s voice is charged with a desire that makes every nerve in Jaehyun’s body light up. “Tell me the truth.”

Jaehyun doesn’t have the ability to speak so he just shakes his head. He’s not lying - he had only a few sips of his drink the whole night. 

“If you want to kiss me then,” The whole world seems to pause and listen to Taeyong’s words with him. “Why don’t you?” 

Taeyong’s expression is hopeful but shaded with a familiar fear. The fear that ruined everything last time. But Jaehyun refuses to let it stop him anymore. 

“If I do, will you run away?” Jaehyun voice loudly echoes his 16-year-old self who is still terrified of having his heart broken. It’s unintentionally vulnerable. 

The flash of guilt across Taeyong’s face is quickly replaced with determination. Slowly, he lifts one hand up to Jaehyun’s cheek and leans in close - so close their foreheads are just hairs away from touching. 

“I’m here for good now,” Their lips are just barely brushing, “I couldn’t run away even if I wanted to.”

And then the final distance is closed. Jaehyun suddenly can breathe again - it all comes back to him. Their first kiss was rushed, messy, full off unspeakable feelings and pent-up frustrations. But this time, it’s gentle. Taeyong’s lips are sweet and slow, his hands deliberate and careful. There’s still the same passion but it isn’t backed with panic anymore. Only the rosy-tinted love of high school remains. 

The kiss itself is short. But after, they stay foreheads pressed together, breathing as one. Jaehyun’s heart is pounding, he half expects Taeyong to disappear any second. And as if his thoughts were audible, Jaehyun feels Taeyong reach out and take his hand. 

Taeyong squeezes his hand, and then once more as if to say _I’m here_. 

_ I’m still here.  _

~~

Taeyong walks Jaehyun back to his dorm two hours later. They don’t say much but they don’t let go of each other’s hands the entire time. The contact is all they need. 

Jaehyun’s cheeks are flaming red by the end of the walk. He blames the freezing temperature and not how much holding Taeyong’s hand affects him. 

When they get to his door there’s a pause where neither of them knows what to do. After ten seconds of awkward silence, they seem to realize how dumb they’re being. Almost exactly in sync, they break out into a laugh. 

“Fuck this,” Taeyong says, putting his hands up to Jaehyun’s cheeks. “I can do this now.”

With a chuckle, Jaehyun lets himself be guided into a gentle kiss. He curls his hands around Taeyong’s waist and pulls him even closer. Their bodies mold together perfectly and he can feel Taeyong smiling. In that moment, everything just feels right. 

~~

They drive home for the holidays together the next morning. Jaehyun takes the first driving shift, giving Taeyong the opportunity to nap in the passenger seat. It’s wonderfully peaceful, driving in the early morning. There’s barely anyone on the roads and with Taeyong asleep, Jaehyun is left with just the light radio as a soundtrack to his thoughts. 

When he was just a sophomore, barely grown up and incredibly immature, he fell in love for the first time. He fell in love with his best friend and when his heart was broken, he lost the most important person in his life. But he grew, he pushed on. And now, three years later, everything has fallen into place. He’s still not fully grown up, and still immature. But he’s strong enough to stand on his own. 

He used to lean on Taeyong, depend on him for everything. So when he lost him, Jaehyun broke down. Now he’s learned how to be his own person, be his own support. Their relationship could never have been healthy back then, they were too desperate. As much as it hurt, he needed that first heartbreak. 

Jaehyun glances over at Taeyong for a second. The early morning sun shifts through Taeyong’s hair and lights him up in a glow of gold. He looks almost glittery - too perfect to be real. Lips slightly parted, Taeyong seems so vulnerable - the same as he did even five years ago. He’s the most beautiful boy on earth, Jaehyun’s sure of it. Jaehyun has always wondered how he got to have Taeyong as his best friend, now he’s even more overcome with awe. He can’t help but voice his thoughts. 

“What did I do to deserve you?” He says, despite knowing that Taeyong can’t hear him. “I must the luckiest boy alive.” 

~~

They arrive at Jaehyun’s house just after sunset. Taeyong had taken over driving, giving Jaehyun a chance to take a nap of his own. Jaehyun had been so exhausted from a semester of not getting enough sleep that he passes out almost instantly. He wakes up just as they pull into his driveway, groggily sitting up. 

“How long did I sleep for?” He asks, yawning and stretching out his back. 

“A few hours,” Taeyong says. “You needed it.” 

Jaehyun hums in agreement, starting to gather his stuff. He pulls his backpack up from the back seat and turns to say goodbye to Taeyong. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” Jaehyun says, smiling shyly at the older boy. He can’t help but still but slightly nervous when it gets time for intimacy. He’s not used to actually being allowed to express his feelings. 

Taeyong smiles back fondly, face lit by the gentle light spilling in from outside. It looks like a scene in a cheesy high school movie, sitting in the car after a date not wanting to say goodbye. It’s a scene they should’ve lived out years ago. But that doesn’t matter anymore because they can have it now. 

“Is it too cliché if I kiss you right now?” Taeyong says quietly. “You look too cute for me to resist.” 

Jaehyun can’t hold back his grin as he nods and leans across to meet Taeyong in the middle. Taeyong’s hand is warm on his cheek and his lips are just a light whisper on his own. Before they break apart Taeyong leans in to press another kiss - this one on Jaehyun’s forehead. 

“Get some rest.” He says before pulling away from Jaehyun. Jaehyun nods sheepishly and gets out of the car. He waves at Taeyong one more time before going inside, glad to finally be home.

~~

The next few days are spent preparing for Christmas. Jaehyun goes present shopping with his mom, having gotten none of it done at school. 

“So, I saw something interesting when you got dropped off,” She says out of the blue while they stop to get coffee. 

Jaehyun blushes, knowing where she’s going. 

“Really?” He asks, pretending to play dumb.

“Yeah,” She says, reaching over the table to take his hand. “I’m really happy for you guys, I always thought you’d be a good match.”

“Thanks,” Jaehyun says, squeezing her hand once. “That really means a lot.” 

They don’t talk about it after that but spend the rest of the day happily reveling in the holiday cheer covering the town. All the shops are covered with decorations and despite it still not having snowed, the twinkling lights that cover the trees make up the beauty. Jaehyun’s brought back to his days as a kid, where he’d spend every holiday season with his nose pressed up to the glass of storefronts, dreaming of what inside might become his. Walking hand in hand with his mother, Jaehyun feels the most joyful he’s been in a long time. Something about home always makes things better.  

Towards the end, Jaehyun realizes that he should get a gift for Taeyong. He spends ten minutes panicking over getting the perfect gift before realizing he knows exactly what he should get him. Dragging his mom over to the old bookstore, he raids their shelves until he finds what he’s looking for - a plain notebook, with a single yellow flower on the cover. 

It’s a reminder of when they were at their worst - but it’s a chance for them to start again. 

Once he gets home he spends half an hour cutting out pictures of them, five in total ranging from when they were in preschool to a selfie they took just a week ago. He pastes them on the first five pages before writing a note on the sixth.

_ Dear Taeyong, _

_ Merry Christmas! You gave me a notebook two years ago that I filled with thoughts of you. I now return the favor. Hopefully, you will fill this with thoughts of me. I wish there was a way to tell you just how much you mean to me, I want to spend my forever with you. Let’s walk under beautiful skies from now on~ _

_ Love, _

_ Jaehyun _

He spends ten minutes deciding whether to sign off with “love” or not. He finally just writes it down, telling himself that he’s said it for years. A lot has changed but they’ve always known they loved each other. Just not in _that_ way. 

They’ve loved each other. And they’ve said it so many times it almost lost its meaning.

But how can he say just how in love he is? How can Jaehyun express that he loses his breath every time he sees Taeyong, that every kind gesture, every caring word, every smile makes him fall even more in love? It’s not even possible to put into words anymore. 

Almost as if sensing Jaehyun's life crises, the doorbell rings. A few seconds later his mom yells from downstairs. 

“Jaehyun, Johnny’s here!” 

Jaehyun instantly jumps off his bed and races downstairs. When he sees Johnny standing in the foyer he runs and tackles him into a hug, almost knocking him over in the process. 

“Missed you too, bud,” Johnny says, chuckling. “It’s been too long.”

Jaehyun finally lets him go, only to drag him up to his room. When they get there he slams the door and whirls back around.

“I have so much to tell you,” Jaehyun says, not knowing where to start. He hasn’t actually told any of their friends about the new...development in their relationship yet. And so, he spends the next ten minutes giving Johnny the rundown of exactly what happened between the two of them. 

At the end Johnny pulls him in for another hug, beaming.

“I’m so proud of you two, we were all rooting for you guys to work it out,” Johnny says. “Who have you told?”

“Just you,” Jaehyun admits. “I’m almost scared to tell people in case it all goes wrong.” 

Johnny nods, throwing his arm around Jaehyun’s shoulder. “Don’t worry, I get it. But I really think you guys will be good this time. You two deserve it.” 

Jaehyun leans into Johnny’s side and lets out a sigh. “You know, I really hope you’re right.”

They lounge around for an hour before calling over Ten. When he hears that Taeyong and Jaehyun finally got together he almost cries.

“My babies are all grown up,” He says, dabbing at his fake tears. “I knew you could do it.” 

Dongyoung’s reaction is pretty similar, except that he gives Jaehyun a twenty minute lecture on how not to fuck things up once again. 

“If either you or Taeyong causes another mess I’m quitting being your friend. I’ve had enough of you guys crying over each other to last me a lifetime.” But he says it with a smile so Jaehyun knows it’s all with love.

Jaehyun has always had the best friends, he muses later that night. He’s not sure how he got so lucky but he wouldn’t change it for the world. 

~~

Christmas is filled with love. Jaehyun wakes up early like he always did as a child to find a huge breakfast and presents under the tree. No matter how old he gets, the magic never seems to disappear.    
He spends the morning with his family, wearing a matching pajama set and laughing more than he should. 

He goes over to Mark’s house in the afternoon. When he gets there only Jeno, and Jaemin have arrived yet and they’re busy trying to get Mark’s new camera to work.

This gives time for Jaehyun to talk personally with Mark, something that he had been slacking on while away at college. 

“So, what’s it like without me?” Jaehyun asks. 

“It’s been great,” Mark says, laughing and ducking when Jaehyun tries to hit him. “No, no, we’ve missed you. But yeah, it’s been pretty good.” 

“You know,” Jaehyun says, pausing to properly prepare his words. “If there’s anyone I think could take on the world and conquer it, it’d have to be you.”

Mark laughs and tries to brush off the compliment but Jaehyun pushes on.

“No, really. I’m sure that you’re going to do something amazing with your life.” Jaehyun’s not sure why he suddenly has an urge to express his feelings but he thinks it’s important. 

“Okay, okay, thanks dude,” Mark says, chuckling. “College really has made you soft.”

Jaehyun laughs but deep down he hopes his friends know just how much he appreciates them. 

The others start trickling in one by one, each bringing with them a bag of gifts and sparking a round of hugs. When they all arrive Jaehyun ends up sitting on the couch, Taeyong tucked into his side. Their sudden affection doesn’t go unnoticed by the friends they haven’t told and soon enough it’s pointed out.

“So I see you guys are done being idiots and pining over each other,” Yuta says when he gets there.

They both try to protest but it’s no good, everyone else in the room tells them to shut up.

“We’re just as invested in your relationship and you guys are,” Dongyoung says straight-faced. 

“Okay but, who’s cuter? Ten and Johnny or Taeyong and Jaehyun?” Donghyuk asks, smiling mischievously. 

And with that, the group dissolves into an intense debate. 

“Ten and Johnny have been around for so much longer,” Mark points out.

“But don’t you think the love story of Taeyong and Jaehyun is so beautiful? It’s like straight out of a drama,” Jaemin says dreamily. 

It ends with the agreement that they’re equally sweet in their own way (though Ten insists that they’re obvious cuter). Jaehyun honestly couldn’t care less, he’s too happy being swept up in his old friendships.

At one point when the conversation has moved on, Taeyong pokes his cheek to get his attention. 

When Jaehyun looks down, Taeyong smiles up at him. 

“Hey,” Taeyong says,  just loud enough for Jaehyun to hear. “I missed this.”

“Me too,” Jaehyun says, looking fondly at the others. “I’m glad we get to experience it like this now.” He squeezes Taeyong’s hand for emphasis. 

And almost as if the world wants to make the day truly perfect, it starts to snow. All the younger kids instantly run outside, ignoring the fact that they’re not dressed for the weather at all.

Jaehyun hangs back with Taeyong for a minute while the rest file excitedly outside. 

“I wanted to give you this,” He says, once they’re alone. Jaehyun reaches into his bag to pull out the notebook he had bought earlier that week. He had wrapped it and even tied a bow, just to make the effort. 

“Oh, me too.” Taeyong pulls a package out of his own bag, trading it for Jaehyun’s. 

“You go first,” Jaehyun says, wanting to see Taeyong’s reaction.

Taeyong happily dives in, carefully undoing the wrapping paper before turning to the present itself. He doesn’t react as he opens the notebook up and flips through the pages. When he reaches the note he takes a minute to read, Jaehyun watching nervously all the while.

Finally, Taeyong looks up, his eyes serious.

“Do you really feel this way?” He asks, voice unusually unstable. Jaehyun just nods, reaching out to take his hand. 

“Thank you,” Taeyong says, leaning over to kiss Jaehyun’s cheek. “Really, thank you.” 

“Of course,” Jaehyun says, returning with a kiss to Taeyong’s hand. “I’m glad you like it.”

“Now open yours,” Taeyong says.

Jaehyun reaches down and picks up the gift Taeyong had given him. Strangely, he’s nervous as he starts to unwrap it. His hands are trembling slightly as he takes off the last bit of paper. It’s a book, the cover is worn down and it’s clearly pretty old.

“It used to be my mother’s,” Taeyong explains. “It’s filled with poems, they reminded me of you.”

Jaehyun flips through and quickly realizes they’re all love poems. This realization makes his heart start racing and he quickly puts it back down.

“Thank you,” Jaehyun says, looking up to make sure Taeyong knows he means it. “I’ll make sure to read it well.”

“Are you guys coming?” Johnny yells suddenly, interrupting their moment. “Or should I tell the kids you guys are too busy making out?” They both break out laughing and hand in hand, run to join their friends. 

~~

If someone were to ask Jaehyun to describe love, he would probably pick this exact moment in time. New Year’s Eve, surrounded by his friends and hand-in-hand with Taeyong. The party is at Yuta’s house and with everyone back from college, it feels straight out of their high school life. 

As always, Ten insists Jaehyun be his dance partner, leaving Johnny and Taeyong for each other. The easy friendship between the four causes there to be no tension over it, they all know it’s just fun. Twirling around Ten, Jaehyun throws his head back and drowns in the moment. The music pounding, everyone laughing, the beauty of youth filling every corner of the room - it’s almost too perfect.

“I love you!” He shouts to the room. It’s not directed at anyone but also at everyone all at once. “I love you, I love you, I love you!”

And then he’s tackled in a hug by Johnny and he’s laughing so hard he might burst and Ten plants a kiss on his cheek and he turns to Taeyong - and it all stops. Because Taeyong is smiling at him and it’s a sight too beautiful to ignore. 

Taeyong is smiling at him and Jaehyun’s back to being a kid in love with his best friend. So he pulls away from his friends and walks over to Taeyong, almost in a trance. 

“Hey.”

Taeyong steps closer, eyes almost sparkling. 

“Hey,” Taeyong whispers, loosely wrapping his arms around Jaehyun’s waist. “Did I ever tell you I’m in love with you?” 

The words still make Jaehyun’s heart flutter and he can’t hold back his beaming smile.

“Yeah, once. But it was a long time ago, and I like hearing it again.” He pulls Taeyong even closer. “Have I ever told you I’m madly in love with you?”

Taeyong is so close now, close enough that Jaehyun can’t pay attention to anything else. 

“Let’s not linger on the past,” They’re almost kissing, millimeters apart. “I’d rather focus on this.”

Jaehyun’s sure kissing Taeyong will never get old. His lips are intoxicating, his hands so deliberate, Jaehyun gets lost every time. He can’t help but enjoy that he’s living out his teenage dream. He’s kissing Taeyong in the corner of a party, miles above just imagining what it would be like. 

An hour later the party is raging more than ever - everyone hyped for the countdown. As a creature of habit, Jaehyun wanders outside. It’s definitely too cold for him to be outside but he sits down on the front steps anyways. It hits him that almost exactly three years ago, this was the porch he first kissed Taeyong on. 

The past three years were filled with growth. Not only physically, but emotionally as well. It was hard, painful at points and the development didn’t come easily. But now, Jaehyun’s finally where he needs to be. It’ll never be perfect, but his life has bloomed beautifully. It’s the same porch but everything else has changed.

From inside Jaehyun hears the countdown start, the cheers echoing throughout the entire town. 

_ 10 _

Jaehyun starts to get up to go inside but he only gets to standing before he hears the front door slam.

_ 9 _

_ 8 _

Smiling, he waits. The footsteps come closer. 

_ 7 _

_ 6 _

Warm arms wrap around him from behind. Jaehyun turns, already knowing who it is.

_ 5 _

_ 4 _

Taeyong’s eyes seem to have the stars in them. Jaehyun can’t look away.

_3_

“You found me.”

_ 2 _

“I always do.”

_ 1 _

 

_ fin _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anndddd we're done!! wow this has been such a wild ride, i can't believe its over! i know this chapter took a long time - i was away for a while and then had to deal with family things :/ BUT it's here now and they finally worked it out! thank you to everyone who has been here with me and left comments/kudos, i love y'all so so so much <33 i hoped you guys enjoyed this fic and had as much fun reading as i did writing! 
> 
> in regards to future works - i will probably post some sort of one-shot or shorter fic before doing another chaptered fic but who knowssss
> 
> anyways, thank you guys again, every comment and just the fact that you guys took time to read this means SO much to me!!
> 
> love youuuuuuu <333


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